Knees Deep in the Blood of Swine

Did some more Christmas shopping for my little girl. Did some of it at our lovely Bayshore Mall, home to a Borders, a pretzel place, a church and creepy public restrooms. Here is a sampling of some things I overheard.

At Borders: The female clerk says to a female customer, "I don't know why we wouldn't have it. We celebrate diversity and stuff." How, pray tell, is diversity celebrated?

In line at the bank: The man behind me says, "I don't know if it's the best movie of the year, but it is the coolest. It should win an award for that." The film in question? 2012. And the award for awesomeness goes to ...

Walking through the mall: Two teen girls who differ only in shirt color are walking toward me. "I don't care," one says to the other. "I'll fucking kill him." I can't imagine what transgression evoked such a response. Perhaps he unfriended her on Facebook or some shit.

At GameStop (always an entertaining venture): "Are these PS2 games for the PS2?" Had I been working, I would have said, "No, just the Wii." Figure that one out, hot shot.

At Kohl's: Clerk looks at my $10 off coupon. She rings in the item, which is $8.00. "Hunh," she says. "This cost you nothing. How did that happen?" I respond, "That is eight bucks. The coupon is for ten dollars off." "Doesn't seem right," she says. "How so?" She doesn't answer.

I also noticed that our Santa looks a lot like Noam Chomsky. It's rather eerie, actually. I want to ask if it's him, but he also looks surly. I don't want to fight Santa in the middle of the mall, but if I do, I will post a picture here.

Back in pain. Relaxing now.


Nikki said...

I think I only have one Santa that could match you in a fight. He's ex-military, ex-firefighter, ex-hockey player, and I'm pretty sure he told me he killed someone before. Other than that, I think you could take most Santa's I've ever worked with.

Anonymous said...

I only ever make it as far as Borders.

Is there really a church in the mall? That's bizarre and creepy.

-Doug Brunell "America's Favorite Son" said...

There is a church in the mall. Borders is about as far as you need to go, though. They "celebrate" diversity there. I swear, as soon as I heard her say that I knew, just knew, there was an Obama sticker on her car, and she isn't ASHAMED!

Anonymous said...

Borders celebrates diversity by hiring only gays and lesbians, at least at the Humboldt County location. Which is very bizarre for Humboldt.

Reminds me of my jaunt to Target last week, you know, when I called you about the PS3? This nice Target boy was working in the Electronics section. Pretty effeminate. Very strong, obvious lisp. Way too friendly (I got his number).

I'm in my 3rd hour of staring at the glass-encased PS3 and assorted PS3 games. Big guy in camo-hat, a sweatshirt espousing his love for hunting, and big, shit-kicking boots walks up to Effeminate Target Boy.

Do your best redneck drawl: "What do you know about the Ultimate Fighting game and Killzone 2?"

The look of confusion and horror on Redneck's face when Effeminate Target Boy started talking was truly classic and priceless.

Made my 4 hours spent in Target worth it.

-Doug Brunell "America's Favorite Son" said...

I think he got your number, too, so to speak.