The Violation of Common Sense
So today ends much like it came in ... on a nightmare. I spent most of the night fighting bad dreams, and while I'm exhausted, I tried to sleep already and failed. I got to get up at five, and I can't make my eyes closed.
A new chapter opened up today. My friend is gone. Alive, but gone. I don't know the entire story. Not sure I want to even, but I'm am sad nonetheless.
Work was work. Stressful as I feel I'm not getting anything done, and my task list proves it. Don't know what I can do different. Not sure I can do anything different. Damn sure I don't want to hear any more stories of stupidity ... but that's coming from all corners so I don't think I can avoid it.
Listened to a friend complain today. She said she had no money left even though she just got paid. No money to get through until her next check. I pointed out that ten minutes ago she had told me about the shoes and shirts she bought over the weekend. "Didn't you think about the money when you were spending it?" I asked. The answer? "It just goes so fast."
That's not an answer. That's not even an excuse. It's a sentence that means nothing ... except that her sorry ass is broke for just about two weeks. I didn't have it in me to feel sorry for her.
Some people seem to excel at avoiding reality and the truth. They put effort into it. They make it an art. And then when reality creeps in, as it always does, they seem absolutely amazed. It's as if life suddenly handed them some major revelation that says, "Life is not how you pictured it." It would be funny if it weren't so prevalent. It would be amusing if it didn't happen all the time. Instead it's just kind of ming boggling.
It was also pointed out today that I haven't been a great friend as of late. That I haven't seemed concerned with other people's problems. It took me a few minutes before I had to agree. I said I had my own problems I was dealing with and that I don't think I have the energy or mental space to devote to someone else's foibles at the moment.
That went over ... not well.
I was told I was selfish, rude and "mean." I tried to explain that I was concentrating on my own things, and that I didn't want to share because I don't like to burden people. The hammering continued, though. I wasn't there when needed. I seemed self absorbed. Finally, left with no choice, I agreed. I agreed and said, "You are right. I've got my own issues I'm dealing with. I don't ask for help. I don't want it. I know people love burdening their friends with every little fucking problem under the sun, but that ain't me."
That went over ... not well.
I should've worded it a different way, but it was the truth. She was upset at me because I didn't seem upset that her boyfriend didn't text her the night before. I don't know why I was supposed to be upset about this. Honestly, my mind wasn't even there when she told me, so I thought I missed something. I did not. That was the extent of the problem I was supposed to be devoting mental space to.
For this I am a bad guy.
I'll wear that hat. I don't mind. I'll add it to the pile.
This is why I avoid people. This is why I don't talk. This is why self-imposed isolation is better than being a witness to the violation of common sense by idiot butchers with shaky hands.
And now I can sleep.