16.9.09

The First Sun


I don't know what I was thinking. All this stress. All this worry. All I have to do is not think and shut it off. Put it in a box. Not let real life intrude. There are plenty of people who get through life without planning or thinking ahead. They get through life fine. I talk to them every day. Ha!

There are people who go through life with big smiles on their faces, blissfully unaware of what is going on around them or what lies ahead. I call them Wide-Eyed Lobotomies. I don't think I could be that if I tried. They're mostly New Age Crystal Faithers. They thinking "smudging" will destroy their cancer and believe in things like karma and the magic of dolphins. That will never be me. I believe in the power of words and symbols. Now I'm looking for the sun ... that sort of thing.

What I can do, however, to relieve this stress, this stress that kept me up half the night grinding my teeth, is just lock it up. Ignore it. Put it away and never think of it. I took what I need and laid it out. The only thing that matters to me is my daughter. Keeping her safe, secure and happy is my goal. She is really all I have to answer to. Everything else is just extra. It can all disappear and as long as I have my little girl it will be good. I can lose all the books I love, the friends, the family -- whatever. I feel good knowing I can walk away anytime and still be okay. I took a lot on. Now I throw it to the wind and let it fall where it may.

The golden dawn breaks the morning clouds, burns away the fog. The useless becomes the useful. The barriers are broken down. Tonight I think I'll be able to sleep (perhaps due to exhaustion from not sleeping last night).

I have a job, a roof over my head, my little girl. What the rest is icing on the cake, as they say. Well, icing tastes real good, but it isn't necessary. It can all go and I'd still be okay. Don't need movies or books to help entertain me. I'm a people person! (I love sarcasm.)

Never be a Wide-Eyed Lobotomy. No way. But why did I ever think that thinking, the bane of humans everywhere, would be good for me? Look where it got me. Nah. Put it away. Don't think. Don't worry. Just react. It works so well for everyone else. How can it possibly go wrong? Lord ...

2 comments:

Nikki said...

There is a big difference between just not thinking about stuff and not over-thinking stuff. There is a balance, a place in the middle where many people can find happiness and peace. I used to think through every single minor decision I made. The last spontaneous decision I made was moving to Japan. I of course had no responsibilities back then and it was an easier choice. But every decision since then, I've either made out of fear of the unknown or only after over-thinking it to death. I stayed in an emotionally difficult marriage because I was scared that getting out would mean a lot of scary change and would leave me destitute because I failed to make the right decisions to stay in college back when I was irresponsible.

At the end of last year, I made my first decision based on what needed to be done at the moment rather than what I was afraid would happen in the future. I caught my husband drinking again and I gave him the ultimatum that ended our marriage. And as you know, it still took me months to come up with the courage to really say it was over.

Somewhere between then and now, I made the decision to not make my decisions based on fear of the unknown anymore. Maybe it sounds like new agey bullshit, but I truly believe listening to my instincts and following the signs that the gods, the universe, the fates, whatever are giving me. I've ignored them in the past and it's led to misery.

You need to do what you think is best for you. Make your decisions the way you see fit. But don't sit here slamming others for making their decisions based on a different criteria. Everyone is just trying to get by the best way they can. That is what life is about.

-Doug Brunell "America's Favorite Son" said...

Jesus is all I need.