It will crush it. That's a quote from the Rollins Band. You may know Henry Rollins from Black Flag (where I was introduced to him), the television show or countless spoken word tours. It's a good quote. Very true. It will crush it. Without mercy. Without pity. Without warning.
But what happens when you decide to fight back? You know, dig your heels in and start giving back a little? Twisting the screws? Grabbing it by its neck and putting the shotgun to its head? "Who is crazy now, fucker?" you ask.
I don't like being lied to by "friends." Here's another great Rollins quote. I may have left out a word or two. "I don't know you/I know my enemies/They speak the truth to me with honest eyes/They hate my guts/But at least it's the truth/I trust them just as far as I can throw them off a roof." Very true. Friends, like women, can get under your skin. They can hit where it hurts, and you rarely see it coming. Friends can do damage.
I have someone I consider a friend. He sometimes makes bad choices. Is self-destructive without the use of alcohol and drugs (which makes it worse almost), and has managed to burn bridges in such a way that would make an army proud. Yet, I'm starting to understand that more and more everyday. He hasn't done it to me. I don't know why. Perhaps because I've always been honest with him. But he's poison to quite a few people. I'm starting to wonder why? Is it because he manages to hurt before he gets hurt? Does he see where the shit is headed and decides he's going to just cut to the chase? Yeah, I'm starting to get it. I'm just surprised it took me so long.
I have a small group of people I've let into my life. I'm like that because I'm private. I don't share with people one on one (this is somehow different, though so very public). I don't bring them into my home. I don't let things get deep. It's because it's usually a waste of time. But when I do open up, I do it with people I trust. People I don't think will use that information to hurt me.
That's changed, and by God I won't let that happen again. See, I'm starting to get mad, and that isn't good for anyone.
"My war/You're one of them/You say/That you're my friend/But you're one of them" Again with Rollins.
I don't like being lied to, jerked around, and ignored. I don't like feeling little. I don't like this from the people outside my sphere. When it comes from the inside -- that's murder.
I salute you, my friend. Really. Truly. Honestly. You have a lot to be angry about in your life. You had a great relationship with a great girl, and you blew it. That hurts like hell, but I understand more now than before. I can see why you did what you did when you did it. You were protecting yourself, punishing yourself and you did it before anyone else could. Some people will never see the strength that takes, the devotion. You will spite yourself to save yourself, and it makes total sense. Why give someone the chance to surprise you? Why not yank the rug out from under them?
When your friends get close, you have to watch them closely. Caesar learned that the hard way. When a friend was something more, it complicates matters even worse. Given the chance, I would have done things a whole lot differently.
I wouldn't have done them at all.
And that is the most painful thought to harbor.
I wouldn't have done them at all.
I would've walked away.
I would've turned away.
I would've never considered the idea.
The pain wasn't worth it, and never will be. It's leaving me now, and that feels good. I just wonder what's going to be put in its place. I think I know. I think I have a real good idea. I think before the year is through, a little bit of evil is going to slip out ... and I don't care to hold it back anymore.
God, a Coke sounds good right about now.
4 comments:
It's a question I've been asking myself a lot lately, too. Why get involved? Why waste the time? I don't have a good answer yet, but that's what I'm working on.
I can't and won't comment on George, but Elistia ...
Five minutes is more than enough. If you can read people, you don't need more than five because you go into it knowing people are weak, but some can overcome.
Write them off. I do. I just know there is some good out there. You are proof.
"Nothing can stop me now/I just don't care anymore."
You know, there are so few people who do "get it" that it becomes almost like a miracle when you find one. You get excited, you think, "Here it is. I can dig this." And you know, you absolutely know, that tragedy will follow. Doesn't matter, though. Blinders on. Full steam ahead.
The first time.
After that, you get a little harder. A little smarter. You become wise to those ways, and you swear it won't happen again. You won't find yourself in such a way. You have "knowledge."
And then that second time comes around.
And you think it's not the same. This is really it. This is where things get good, get right. You don't want that typical storybook bullshit. You want a relationship you can sink your teeth into. Something so real it can take out the sun.
And you know how it will end ... and it does.
That circle keeps going, and you keep going, but each time it chips away a piece. You start to get harder. You care less each time, and each time it's harder for someone to get under the skin. That's why when they finally do, when you finally let them, it kills.
Those fuckers that run around life without a care, who wear smiles of ignorance with pride and an unfound feeling of honor, there is something to envy there. And something to hate. You don't know if it's their version of self-defense or they're just idiots, but you know they will never understand the simplest of terms.
I don't want to lose anymore friends. I don't. I don't want to lose someone who I let get close to me because they can hurt me. But at the same time, I know what's inevitable. And like the sun goes down, the soul dies.
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