9.2.09

Life Will Not Break Your Heart

It will crush it. That's a quote from the Rollins Band. You may know Henry Rollins from Black Flag (where I was introduced to him), the television show or countless spoken word tours. It's a good quote. Very true. It will crush it. Without mercy. Without pity. Without warning.

But what happens when you decide to fight back? You know, dig your heels in and start giving back a little? Twisting the screws? Grabbing it by its neck and putting the shotgun to its head? "Who is crazy now, fucker?" you ask.

I don't like being lied to by "friends." Here's another great Rollins quote. I may have left out a word or two. "I don't know you/I know my enemies/They speak the truth to me with honest eyes/They hate my guts/But at least it's the truth/I trust them just as far as I can throw them off a roof." Very true. Friends, like women, can get under your skin. They can hit where it hurts, and you rarely see it coming. Friends can do damage.

I have someone I consider a friend. He sometimes makes bad choices. Is self-destructive without the use of alcohol and drugs (which makes it worse almost), and has managed to burn bridges in such a way that would make an army proud. Yet, I'm starting to understand that more and more everyday. He hasn't done it to me. I don't know why. Perhaps because I've always been honest with him. But he's poison to quite a few people. I'm starting to wonder why? Is it because he manages to hurt before he gets hurt? Does he see where the shit is headed and decides he's going to just cut to the chase? Yeah, I'm starting to get it. I'm just surprised it took me so long.

I have a small group of people I've let into my life. I'm like that because I'm private. I don't share with people one on one (this is somehow different, though so very public). I don't bring them into my home. I don't let things get deep. It's because it's usually a waste of time. But when I do open up, I do it with people I trust. People I don't think will use that information to hurt me.

That's changed, and by God I won't let that happen again. See, I'm starting to get mad, and that isn't good for anyone.

"My war/You're one of them/You say/That you're my friend/But you're one of them" Again with Rollins.

I don't like being lied to, jerked around, and ignored. I don't like feeling little. I don't like this from the people outside my sphere. When it comes from the inside -- that's murder.

I salute you, my friend. Really. Truly. Honestly. You have a lot to be angry about in your life. You had a great relationship with a great girl, and you blew it. That hurts like hell, but I understand more now than before. I can see why you did what you did when you did it. You were protecting yourself, punishing yourself and you did it before anyone else could. Some people will never see the strength that takes, the devotion. You will spite yourself to save yourself, and it makes total sense. Why give someone the chance to surprise you? Why not yank the rug out from under them?

When your friends get close, you have to watch them closely. Caesar learned that the hard way. When a friend was something more, it complicates matters even worse. Given the chance, I would have done things a whole lot differently.

I wouldn't have done them at all.

And that is the most painful thought to harbor.

I wouldn't have done them at all.

I would've walked away.

I would've turned away.

I would've never considered the idea.

The pain wasn't worth it, and never will be. It's leaving me now, and that feels good. I just wonder what's going to be put in its place. I think I know. I think I have a real good idea. I think before the year is through, a little bit of evil is going to slip out ... and I don't care to hold it back anymore.

God, a Coke sounds good right about now.

7 comments:

elistia said...

riddle me this: why even get involved at all? what is it that you understand about your friend's behavior? i mean, i know that human beings have these needs i.e. sex, affection, companionship. i certainly have them though i tend to deny myself. i've figured out and experienced that getting those needs met doesn't necessarily require attempting a Relationship. for me though, the sex, affection, companionship might not be as fulfilling without the relationship. or at least the illusion of one. it's kind a crap shoot and i'm not much of a gambling woman. sometimes it works. sometimes it doesn't. but feigning a connection with someone only to screw them over because you know that eventually they're going to screw you over or disappoint you or abandon you seems like a lot of work. and for what? at the end you end up with a handful of nothing. could have stayed alone & wound up with the same thing.
i don't understand people. i really don't. i observe and am baffled at the harm people do to one another. i've been ridiculed for being a loner/hermit. i'm not socially inept. i've just got sense enough to know that the bit of heart that i might give can't withstand the fucking shark tank that is this world.

-Doug Brunell "America's Favorite Son" said...

It's a question I've been asking myself a lot lately, too. Why get involved? Why waste the time? I don't have a good answer yet, but that's what I'm working on.

elistia said...

not that our answers would necessarily be identical but if you do come up with a good answer, please share. i've quit trying to figure it out. like i told you, i think the bulk of humanity is a waste of space. in my 35 years of existence, i've happened across one person i thought might be worth the risk, the time. but that's obviously not the person i'm supposed to be with or i would be. so what the fuck? my mama always told me that i don't give anyone more than 5 minutes...that i'm too hard. maybe she's right. or maybe 5 minutes is all the assessment time i need.
in any case, if it weren't for the comfort found in between the covers of books, i'd be totally lost. everyone needs something they can count on...
i'm going to look for owls.

George Anthony said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
-Doug Brunell "America's Favorite Son" said...

I can't and won't comment on George, but Elistia ...

Five minutes is more than enough. If you can read people, you don't need more than five because you go into it knowing people are weak, but some can overcome.

Write them off. I do. I just know there is some good out there. You are proof.

"Nothing can stop me now/I just don't care anymore."

elistia said...

1-27-09 i wrote: everyone who you really care about will eventually disappoint you down to your core and you will momentarily feel like your breath has been taken away. at that moment, an eensy weensy tiny bit of something that is optimistic & good inside of you will die. end quote.
i kind of paraphrased it to you when we spoke. if i was as ruthless as some pookie would have you think i am, i wouldn't have written such a statement. i wouldn't care what other people did because it would have no impact on me. but every long once in a while, someone will get under my skin but i won't realize it until it's too damned late to put some distance between me & the other person. i find myself fucked...and not in a good way.
i had this non-descript friendship with this guy in chicago for over 9 years. it was mostly platonic but he was my anchor, my heart, my soul mate for a time. i'm not sure what happened but things just fell apart. he was really the only person i've ever been able to count on so i've been pretty lost since we parted ways. he's one of the ones who "got it." we'd talk & talk for hours day after day. sometimes i'd call him just to listen to him talk. i felt grounded & safe. i went & visited a few times. we took some trips together. then things fell apart for no apparent reason. it might have been my unwillingness to relocate. i'm not sure. we just abruptly stopped communicating. the last time i was in chicago, i knew something felt wrong. anyway, just a few days after the 27th of january, i got an email from him & all it said was "i'm sorry i let you down." he is not one for apologizing for anything so i was floored that after a couple of years with little more than no contact, he'd not only email me (he hates writing anything), but that he would apologize. i wondered if that was a sign...that i'm not supposed to shut down, do everything myself, go at life solo,. i think our friendship/relationship/whatever you want to call it rode its course. his email felt like closure to me. i wrote him back & told him that i would always be grateful for him in ways i couldn't articulate and not to forget who loves him. i wished him well. i do not anticipate that we will communicate again.
long story longer, i know you are right. there is some good out there. but it all is so temporary. and the not knowing how temporary it truly is is probably the thing that makes me wonder if it's worth it. i don't know if for me it matters how things end. maybe it's the fact that it always ends, period. until i figure it out, guess i'll just keep writing off the assholes.
i'm rambling and taking up blog space. maybe i should restart my own. you are inspiring.
extraordinary.
i'm going to look for owls.

-Doug Brunell "America's Favorite Son" said...

You know, there are so few people who do "get it" that it becomes almost like a miracle when you find one. You get excited, you think, "Here it is. I can dig this." And you know, you absolutely know, that tragedy will follow. Doesn't matter, though. Blinders on. Full steam ahead.

The first time.

After that, you get a little harder. A little smarter. You become wise to those ways, and you swear it won't happen again. You won't find yourself in such a way. You have "knowledge."

And then that second time comes around.

And you think it's not the same. This is really it. This is where things get good, get right. You don't want that typical storybook bullshit. You want a relationship you can sink your teeth into. Something so real it can take out the sun.

And you know how it will end ... and it does.

That circle keeps going, and you keep going, but each time it chips away a piece. You start to get harder. You care less each time, and each time it's harder for someone to get under the skin. That's why when they finally do, when you finally let them, it kills.

Those fuckers that run around life without a care, who wear smiles of ignorance with pride and an unfound feeling of honor, there is something to envy there. And something to hate. You don't know if it's their version of self-defense or they're just idiots, but you know they will never understand the simplest of terms.

I don't want to lose anymore friends. I don't. I don't want to lose someone who I let get close to me because they can hurt me. But at the same time, I know what's inevitable. And like the sun goes down, the soul dies.