Knew A Girl Named ...

... and she is going to hate me for that title.

In my darkest hour, at the last day of the month, an act of fate made me think to call her. I've known her since she was 14. We have had quite a past. But I called. I wanted to let her know my situation and see what she thought of it. After all, I had all these people telling me that I needed to be alone, and that they were worried about me. But what about someone who knew me at some dark times? What would she think?

That phone call set something off.

I found out in a brief period of time that her life had taken some turns, and that she and I seemed to be swimming in the same shit pool. After a few years of being out of touch, it took all of 2.378 seconds to feel like it was yesterday. And that's okay.

I'm thanking her here because I know she reads this. She's grown both mentally and physically (a whole inch, making her like 3'2"). She's become harder, meaner, and blunter, but that's what happens when life has its way with you. There's still that old girl (now a woman) I knew in there, but it is tempered with experience.

Funny how that works out.

What she let me know, though, is that I'm okay in ways I haven't thought of. Lately it seems like I can count on one hand the number of people I think actually give a fuck, and then on a few fingers the number I think actually understand. These people haven't known me for 20 plus years, though. She has. And when I told her my greatest fear was that I was going to die alone like my father, she said something so simple, so basic, that it changed everything.

We vowed not to break contact now. That's important to me because I'm losing friends fast. Never thought I would care, but I think some are getting scared. I know I am ... was ... whatever.

There's another person I want to thank, too, who isn't in the same boat, but is in the same ocean, and she has known me for a few years. Her and I have talked much about what being alone means and how harmful it can be. She's helped me out, too. I don't write about her because she'll kill me, and she'll kill me for this, but I need to say it. (You know who you are.) Too many people know who she is, and while I expect a blade lodged between two ribs later this week, I want to give her some public thanks.

So, you two nameless females who have heard all my shit. You have both helped in some wonderful ways. And for the girl who had a Prince song attached to her name, you don't know how much your words meant. The people who know me now only know the Doug they've seen the past few years. You knew me at the worst of the worst. You've seen me deconstruct. You know how bad that can get. You stuck by me throughout that. The fact that you still said what you said sets the world right. Thank you. This shit pool got a little smaller. I think it's time we all leave it and let the others drown. After all, they don't even realize they are in it.


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-Doug Brunell "America's Favorite Son" said...

Pookie (and I feel you cringe), I appreciate your offer, even the sodomy. I don't post all the darkness, just some of it. How do you think I get it out? I don't want to talk to you about this shit because I know you got our own stuff you are dealing with (the loss of a testicle, car repo, scabies). I don't need to burden you with my stuff.

I do think we need to go see a movie or something. Make love on a beach while a 60 year old man in sweats films us. Just like 'Nam, only less savage.

elistia said...

Damn...my Pookie's got a heart of Gold!

From someone who generally doesn't divulge a whole lot to most folks & when she does, feels embarrassed, I'm glad you've got people...even if there are only two...you can talk to AND who you feel "get it." Seldom do you find individuals who fit that bill. I suppose I should stop harassing you & worry a little less.

-Doug Brunell "America's Favorite Son" said...

And you know you are one of them. There's another, too, but I'm saving that for later.