19.8.09

A Little South Of Crazy


The past few weeks has taught me something very interesting about the women I know. Far too many of them have a lot of fucking crazy in their lives ... and all of it leads to the men in their lives. This past week it has really hit a pinnacle as police on both coasts were busy with taking care of men who can't seem to take care of themselves. How did things get here?

I'll admit that at times I have been the crazy ex-boyfriend ... back in high school ... back before I could legally drink. I grew up, though. Decided to be a man. Decided to have some pride, take some responsibility and do what men do best and keep my mouth shut tight and muddle through the nonsense without killing anyone who didn't deserve it. I didn't turn into a stalker, a diva, a little boy, a psychopath, a liar and so on. My friends, many of whom think I'm creepy for whatever reason, also know I'm not like that. There is something else that nags at me, though. I don't think these guys suddenly changed, and that makes me wonder: What did these women ever see in these guys?

Now, men, if you are one of these guys or have been, let me say I understand. I understand how a woman can get you all wrapped up in a bundle of rage so badly that you don't know what to do, so you do what men do best. You get violent. Either toward yourself or others. I get that. We've all been there. The difference is that some of us don't act on it. Some do.

Now, ladies, what happened? Did you overlook all this shit? Did you miss it when you went a' courtin'? Were all the right words said in such a way that you forgot what your instincts were telling you? Did you think you could change him? Did you try? I don't know every one of the situations in their lives, but I do know this, all of the situations took a turn for the worse once the woman opened her eyes.

Men are fragile creatures, girls. Fragile mentally. We've got physical strength over you and that's it. We also devote a lot of mental space to you fine creatures. When you turn us away, we get more than a little jacked up. We lose all sense of self-worth. Often times we wonder what set you off, as our behavior hasn't changed. You just seemed to get tired of it. If you don't have the hours of introspection under your belt, this blow to the psyche can be a little trying.

But it shouldn't be this way. For the past few weeks I've been having an alarming number of my female friends tell me about the problems they are having with boyfriends, husbands and ex-husbands. (And some of this shit is spilling over into my life, which I thoroughly don't appreciate.) Some of these men are free. Some are in jail. Some are in prison. Some will no doubt be there soon if they don't shape up.

Humboldt County, for better or for worse, has a strong female population. Much of our male population, though, seems weak. Fathers who don't want to take care of their kids. Boyfriends who like to use their girl's back as a place to leave a boot print. Men who like to sucker their ladies out of their money and then split. This, of course, is not native to this area, but I see it a lot. Almost every day. It gets tiring. It makes me ashamed to be a male.

Guys, you may have displayed this behavior the entire time of the relationship. You may have made no bones about it. That still doesn't give you the right to act the fool when it comes to dealing with the woman you love or loved. It doesn't give you the right to demand that everyone drop what they are doing to deal with your sorry ass. We understand you are hurt, jilted, depressed, angry, scared. We understand, but this isn't the way to cope. I disagree with the whole "hands aren't for hurting" campaign. Hurting is one of the function of hands, but you got a brain, too, and you got to use it. Other women don't find this behavior attractive, and women do talk, my friends. Word gets around. Eventually, all you attract is crazy, and then your life really goes out of control.

I never doubted that O.J. did it. Never. Not for a single second. I don't think he hired anyone. I don't think it was a drug cartel. It was him. Jealous. Angry. Hurt. Seething with the kind of rage that only a woman can inspire in you. He went to his ex-wife's house, saw that guy coming out and just lost it. In his mind he pictured her doing things to him that she used to with him. He snapped. Just snapped. And before he knew it, it was over. Done. Two lives were snuffed out and the psychic disconnect began.

Yeah, women have made me mad. Seething, even. Have I ever said things I regretted? Yes. Done things I've felt bad about? Of course. Love does stupid shit to people all the time. Women are guilty of the same. What I learned, though, is that you don't act out on those feelings ... not if you want to stay free, alive and see your kids. You don't act the psycho while trying to get your woman to acknowledge you. You sit down. Assess those feelings. Look at what you did. Look at what she did. And then you move on and never make those mistakes again.

And ladies, that goes for you, too. If you see the writing on the wall, take ten minutes and fucking read it. It sounds harsh, but it may save you a lot of grief in the future.

It could also save your kids the trauma of identifying a body ... your's or his.

10 comments:

Tina said...

"Often times we wonder what set you off, as our behavior hasn't changed."

Man, that so cuts both ways :)

Anyway, I think women are attracted by the wrong type of guy by default. When the hormones are raging we are drooling over those macho types of guys we know we're never going to see again, much less have around for the kids' birthday parties.

Same goes for most men, as they never ogle up nerdy girls with long skirts and most certainly end up taking shit from icy queens who just happen to look like the woman in the magazine who first got their engine running.

And, there's always that situation where he/she seems quite normal in the beginning and there's no "writing on the wall" until it's written in blood.

-Doug Brunell "America's Favorite Son" said...

I think those "he seemed normal" in the beginning are the rarity. When I ask friends about previous behavior a lot say something along the lines that he was a saint, but then little things come out and you can easily see where warning signs were. The problem is: Not all warning signs lead to danger.

Women are attracted to the wrong type of guy, and men are attracted to the wrong type of woman. What I see far too often, though, is that the woman tries to stay with the guy, while the guy will make it a one-night type thing.

Can't say one is better than the other, but I do think people have to think out their decisions better.

Deleted said...

to tell you the truth, i employ the same kind of thinking when i'm looking at men (which isn't often and is becoming even less frequent as i get older) as i do with employees. i can always see the good and the strength in the men i'm attracted to. i usually see the bullshit too (except for once) but if i stay curious long enough to become attracted, then something in me thinks that the good part of the guy outweighs the infantile part and the good part is worth sticking around for. in all honesty, i have never dated, never been properly courted, never had a relationship that i'd call fulfilling. i can count on one hand how many men i've truly been interested in for a lot of the reasons you state. i simply don't have the patience for all of it. and i am moody and temperamental. the "good" men i've been interested in don't deserve to put up with that so i've never said anything.
i'm super selective but everyone has their flaws. everyone is a fuck up in some way, shape or form. that's why i am consistently me...don't do the "good behavior" stuff in the beginning. relationship surprises suck ass. but perhaps, perhaps that's why i am chronically single. and maybe that's why human beings choose to be blind to the flaws of the people they're interested in...because if they didn't wear blinders, they'd stay single.

Melissa and Geoffrey said...

Sigh. Its really hard to always admit that you know( or at least have a good idea) that someone is bad for you. I agree with your assessment- at least in my case. I did see the "writing on the wall" from very early in my fucked up situation. Unfortunatly I did not take action on it because(and I hate using this word, it sounds like an excuse) I was pregnant and felt it was my duty to my child to try and make a "family". I could say a lot of things in defense, but it comes right down to the fact that I knew he was bad for me, and I stayed anyway. Fear of being alone, yes. Fear of raising a kid on my own, yes. Fear that this was the best that I was gonna get, so why bother to "trade up" so to speak, yes.
It has taken me some years to figure out that I dont have to settle, and that being alone isnt that bad. Now I struggle to take responsibility for the mess I have made. I only hope that people I care about don't get hurt, because I will not tolerate that nonsense anymore.
Thank you for this post. It is a kick in the head that reminds me I am doing the right thing :)

-Doug Brunell "America's Favorite Son" said...

I'm glad you fine ladies are posting comments here. I'm getting a lot of e-mail on this subject. Absolutely insane.

Makes me think I struck a nerve.

Tina said...

Don't we always? :)

Seriously, you should update with the feedback received by email, even if you protect the identity of the guilty parties.

-Doug Brunell "America's Favorite Son" said...

We shall see.

Nikki said...

I'm a little late to the party, but I've been pondering this for a few days. I wasn't sure if I wanted to comment because it kind of makes me look bad, but figured what the hell. In my situation, it was me that changed over the years. I'm the one that stopped partying, lost the ability to drink large Marines under the table, and became a responsible adult. What attracted me to him in the first place was that, at one time, we were highly compatible and very much alike. I knew exactly who he was, because I was the same way. Granted, I never reached the hardcore addiction level during my party-girl days, but I was really no better than he was. So what do you say to a girl like that? A girl who knew exactly what she was getting into and got into it because it was fun? I honestly thought we'd just grow up at the same time. I reached 24 and said "that's it! I'm tired of puking my guts out, tired of passing out in bar bathrooms, tired of waking up feeling like someone took a jackhammer to my skull, and tired of being a train wreck waiting to happen." He didn't. Who is to blame for that?

Of course, like most logical women do (although many would argue the claim that I am a logical person), I finally woke up and said "this is just stupid, I can't do it anymore." I took steps to change my life, and although it's kind of in a hellish limbo right now, the steps were the right thing to do and I'm significantly happier.

-Doug Brunell "America's Favorite Son" said...

The only thing I can say: Guys often don't grow up.

Nikki said...

Guys grow up all the time. I've seen plenty of the guys I once knew as teenagers become responsible adults. One who spent his teenage and early twenties overdosing on heroin is now a responsible, clean and sober father of 2.5 children (third one is on the way). Another friend who once stood on a bike trail with me tripping on acid and convinced the biker coming along was carrying ET now holds a respectable job despite former rock star dreams and is a constant in his two children's life. Guys grow up all the time. But the ones that don't tend to stand out because they're the ones causing all the damn grief.