Bayshore Mall -- Monday Morning (Hordes of Undead)
Or so the plan was supposed to play out.
I stood in line at Burger King. Ordered a medium Coke, a three piece French Toast Sticks; and a ham, egg and cheese croissant. I had to order this three times until the woman behind the counter got it right.
This was not going well.
As I waited for me meal I engaged in my favorite mall activity: people watching. First was the vastly overweight security guard with the bad tattoo, which may have been a woman's name before the sun turned it into a blob of black. Mr. Guard looked like he'd be useful only if you needed a human shield.
Then, amongst the various transient types, was an older woman in an ill-fitting wig. She wore, of course, brown slacks that looked about as comfortable as sand paper, and she tried to avoid the eyes of a dumpy looking mother of a toddler. Both mother and child were in pajamas. I'd like to say it was cute. It was not.
After fifteen minutes of waiting, I observed that only two people seemed to be on duty at "the BK," as one of the people waiting for their coffee called it.
I finally got my order, which was screwed up beyond belief. If I didn't fear waiting another half hour, I would have complained. As it was, I was behind schedule, so I had to scarf down the meal. As I threw out my tray, I thought I saw wig lady (who was probably 77 years old) masturbating, which was disturbing on about three levels and not nearly as erotic as one would think. It turns out she was not masturbating, but was instead wiping away the remnants of her croissant, which had fallen into her lap. I breathed a sigh of relief over that one.
You may be laughing over this, but there was a moment of odd panic when I thought she was doing that. What do you do that situation? Do you tell her to stop? (After all you don't want senior citizens masturbating in mall food courts for the obvious reasons.) Do you ignore it and never tell anyone what you saw because you can't admit to doing nothing? Do you watch because you may never see something like that again? Luckily, I quickly realized what was really going on and didn't have to make any such decisions.
I buzzed into the accountant's office thinking I would be first to be served because it was early. I was too late for that, though. There was a man ahead of me ... and he had receipts. Lots of them. For things like van repairs, advertising, fuel, registrations and so on.
Oh. My. God.
Receipts. Stacks of them. I was glad I brought a paper.
As I sat doing the crossword puzzle (something I do to keep my mind fresh so I don't end up being eighty and masturbating in public like some people), I saw the pj clad mom and son (dad probably split when he realized mom couldn't be bothered to get all gussied up for mall shopping) waltz past. Her pajama bottoms had some kind of Orange County Choppers pattern going on. I seriously doubted she ever rode a cycle, and was pretty damn sure she never rode one in pajamas. And she was wearing slippers. I wondered if she took the bus like that. For some reason I couldn't imagine her driving.
No matter, as another mother with a baby passed by and she was also in pajamas.
At this point I wondered if I were dreaming. Strange Burger King orders. Masturbating seniors in wigs. People wandering the mall as if they just rolled out of bed. Anywhere else and I would have been dreaming. The Bayshore Mall is in Humboldt County, though, and this is normal. I can't prove it, but I'm willing to be a lot of money that more than one mall store has had someone come in to apply for a job dressed in pajamas. I'm almost 100% sure of it. I'm also sure the masturbating seniors usually keep it confined to Hometown Buffet, but it wouldn't surprise me to see it in the food court.
My turn with the Tax Man came up, and I was given the news I expected (I owe). For all you people who have yet to do your taxes, you can't write off hookers (unless it's for research), and you should not make any jokes about flying planes into buildings. These are just observations, though, so you feel free to do what you want.
I got out of the mall as quickly as possible, and as I was driving out I saw another woman in pajamas walking toward Border's. She did not have a child in tow, oddly enough.
And people think I'm strange.