I'm writing this because the face I want to break is nowhere near me.

I'm a guy. I've got all the parts that make me a guy. But I look at other guys and their actions and it makes me wonder.

If you don't know me, and many of you don't, let me just give you an overview. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. I am heterosexual, don't believe in God, enjoy my sex. I like video games, reading, writing, movies. I believe in respecting women, and I will admit that a naked woman is one of the most spectacular sights in nature. Sex and violence and are my vices, but I don't believe in hitting women. I know and acknowledge my violent side. I don't let it control me.

Obviously, things go deeper, but that's a quick intro to how I operate. When I see my gender, though, I start to think I may be out of whack.

I grew up like many other males in America did. Keep your feelings inside. Work hard. You are a slave to no one. "Be a man" isn't just a saying. It's a way of life. That's what men are taught if not by our parents, by society. Sure, there is an effort there to make men more "civil," and in some respects I applaud it and in others hate it. Then I see these other men and I think we really need it.

One difference in the sexes I've noticed is that men externalize and women internalize. Women cut themselves when they hurt. Men beat others up. Neither is very healthy, but at least the women know enough to engage in a little introspection. I can't say the same about most men. Men lash out blindly, never knowing or admitting why they feel inner pain. Never admitting that most of our problems come from within. Never thinking that if that is the case the only way they can be solved is from within.

So we lash out at the ones we claim to love, never understanding that you can't love someone else unless you understand yourself. We drown our sorrows in spirits and drugs. We beat and rape. And we take it out on the people closest to us.

Is it any wonder society has tried to tame us? Is it any wonder women eventually get fed up with guys who can't grow up and get out of the relationship.

Then these same guys, the ones who lose everything they ever claimed to hold dear, put themselves up on their cross, blame the other party and embrace the idea of being a victim to circumstances beyond their control. All while begging to be taken back while saying how much they hate the woman they want to reconnect with.

I think some of you may be one of those guys. Here's what I think of you.

I want to break you because you won't do it to yourself. I want to make you the victim you claim you are. I want to shake you and force you to look in the mirror. I want to point out every contradiction you ignore while claiming you know the truth. I want to punch out every single one of your teeth not to teach you a lesson, but because it will make me feel good. I want to force you to see how your stupidity effects not only you but everyone around you. I want to choke the life out of you because, yes, the world would be better off without you. I want you to know you are a pack animal ... and not a particularly useful one. I want you to sit and think and come up with a sentence that you think best describes yourself ... then I want to show you why it's bullshit.

I hate you for even claiming to be in the same species as me. I pity you because you'll never know yourself. I envy you because you seem to fuck up so many good things and are too ignorant to learn from your actions (that must be fucking liberating in some weird way). I am sick of you and your little boy games. Start turning your self-loathing into introspection and self-respect. No problems were ever solved by a bottle, and no relationship was ever saved with a fist.

At what point do you stop being a stupid fuck and turn into a real man?

Let me know when that happens, but don't try to talk to me before that. My fists want to feel bone break, skin split, and blood spill, and I'm smart enough to know I'll have a hard time stopping what I start.


elistia said...

i know that you're curbing the personal bits big time...understandably. people are morons and everyone's got an opinion--too many feeling the need to share it. i'm not any different, i suppose. here i am posting a comment. but i'd like you to know that one of the reasons you have my respect (something i ration out in extremely minuscule quantities) not just as a human being but as a male, is because you have strength in areas of your life and there's nothing fake or illusory about it. it takes a certain kind of strength to air this kind of message and i'm sure that the "men" who need to read and understand what's being conveyed here will be the first ones to cast stones in your direction. they will cast stones because this strength of yours is not something they understand or possess. as a woman who has stayed out of the game and just observed and tried to understand and accept the differences between the sexes, that your words even occurred to you, let alone that you took the time to write them down publicly, helps me be hopeful. i honestly think that with a little patience from the other person, i'd probably be a fairly decent mate. i think i could let a man be a man because i need space to be me--probably more space than most women need. but there's a difference between the crap that's just man crap & the crap that is a man thinking he's a man but really he's just a boy crap. the same way that there's female shit & women just being manipulative shit. i hope that i've observed enough that i know the difference between the two when it comes to men. having you as a man essentially say, "that's just a piss poor excuse...shut the fuck up or man up" to other men, i know i'm not just doing one of those irrational women things that we women tend to do. i will put up with a lot of stuff from a man...but i am learning how to identify actions of the boy who thinks he's a man...and run in the other direction before i get sucked into that drama.
long comment longer, tho it sometimes pains me to see you angry and/or irritated, i thank you for posting this entry. *cough, cough*

-Doug Brunell "America's Favorite Son" said...

One: I hope you are feeling better. That you are able to type says you are ... at least somewhat.

Two: Your words mean a lot only because I know you just don't throw them around. The shit that went on this weekend is inexcusable, but will be glossed over by the male involved because that is the nature of this beast. At least I can admit to and own up to my contradictions and my feelings of rage, anger and hatred. I don't cast blame, and I don't sugarcoat them. Fuck with me, and I'll slit your throat. It's not because I had a bad childhood or am misunderstood. It's because I hate being fucked with, and hurting my enemies gives me a sense of a satisfaction. It's when we don't admit such things that we run into problems.