Excerpts From An E-mail (Or How Screwed Up My Weekend Is)

I took a break from getting the house in order before my guest arrives to take in Machete.  After the film, while checking my e-mail, I sent a letter off to my guest to entertain her with how Saturday went.  (She already got one about Friday.)  I would normally include a post about movies on my movie blog, "The Last Picture Blog," but I don't think everyone would read that, and I this excerpt from my e-mail is less about the film and more about what happened.  Enjoy ...

... Today I took a break from cleaning to go see Machete.  I love grindhouse/exploitation cinema, and where else am I going to see Danny Trejo, Robert De Niro, Jeff Fahey, Don Johnson, Steven Seagal and Lindsay Lohan (both naked and as a gun-toting, habit-wearing vigilante), cell phones hidden in vaginas and escapes using intestines all in the same movie?  Nowhere.  You would probably not appreciate the film, but you will love this story. 

I went alone because the company of a 16 year old female (see previous e-mail for that story) seemed ... wrong.  I'm sitting in the theatre and I notice a lot of guys are entering in pairs.  None of them will sit by each other, though.  There always has to be a seat between them so other men know they aren't gay.  Oddly enough, many are wearing camo baseball caps.  A cult perhaps?  At one point, one of these super-heterosexuals shouted out, "Let's get this started!"  Then he told his "bud" to hold his seat for him while he got candy.  Cute.

The movie starts.  It's directed and written by a Mexican and stars primarily Mexican actors.  There is a scene with a bunch of redneck vigilantes shooting illegal immigrants crossing the border, and Don Johnson (who was very good) gives a speech about protecting the country from such these people because nobody else will.  At this point, one of those Rambo-wannabes in the audience says, "You got that right!"

And that wasn't the first of those types of shout-outs.  It was very apparent that the filmmakers were using a Modest Proposal type message (eating babies during the potato famine if you don't remember Swift's piece) to get their point across.  Sarcasm was obviously lost on the yahoos in the audience, though.  I wasn't going to directly challenge this rather large group because I'd a) get my ass kicked, and b) didn't want to totally ruin the movie for others.  So, instead, I decided to take a different stand and be just as vocal.

When a senator on screen (played by De Niro) starts talking about the parasites that are immigrants, I loudly said, "The only parasites I see on screen are politicians and capitalists."  A few people looked.  When a white redneck was slaughtered on screen with a machete, I said, "Praise Jesus!"  That stopped the rednecks in the crowd from saying anything else.

Movie was great.  Funny.  Good politics in an action film, of all things.  Anti-capitalist, pro-open borders, so on.  I had consumed a medium Coke, however, and needed to urinate.  My way into the bathroom was blocked by two men in electric wheelchairs!  I had never encountered this.  They were trying to get into the bathroom, and their way was blocked by a third man ... in an electric wheelchair!  When does this actually happen outside of wheelchair conventions?  Apparently at screenings of Machete!
"I couldn't hit the urinal," the man trying to get out says, "so I pissed all over the walls."

The other two guys in wheelchairs laugh and finally make their way in and the third man passes me.  I then started to wonder, "How do they pull that off?"  Fearing they would ask for help, I dove into a stall to urinate.  At this point I heard the two men struggle (one would assume they were not having sex).  Then one said, "I didn't think that was Robert De Niro in the movie, but by the end I was convinced it was him."  He went on and on about this.

Keep in mind that Robert De Niro's name comes up in big letters in the opening credits.  At no point in the film does he not look like De Niro, either.  Also, there is a few scenes at the end where he is driving a taxi cab.  I guess the fact that he didn't have a mohawk threw these guys off.

What a fucking weird weekend. ...

Lovely movie.  Lovely.  Strange people, though.  Very strange.

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