Homosexuals Have Stolen Everything From Us -- An Angry Straight Male's Response

A "Straight" Male and his Dealer
The news out of California, my home state, is terrifying.  Worse, perhaps, than 9/11 or the end of Lost.  Gay men and lesbians can now marry.  I know.  Stifle your gasps.

Women marrying other women is okay.  Lesbianism has always been cool and always will be cool ... as long as it's what the Religious Right calls "lipstick lesbians."  Those are the hot ones.  The other lesbians, commonly referred to as "butch" are kind of scary and should be working on oil rigs ... alone.

Men marrying other men, however, just ain't right. 

Homosexual men have stolen so much from straight men that this is the last straw.  They have taken all the good interior decorator jobs, really messed up the mustache, and have hijacked the name "Bruce."  Not only that, once the homosexuals got a hold of the Village People we ended up losing songs we could sing and dance to at parties.  It's enough to make a straight man want to divorce.
Gay Men Have Ruined Facial Hair

Maybe I would like to remarry some day (I'm divorced, which in no way ruins the institution of marriage), but now I feel like my marriage would be cheapened because men like Arnold Schwarzenegger could marry a man like Glen Beck.  How can any straight guy compete with that?  The answer is: He can't, and you can only blame homosexuals getting all uppity about their "rights."

I had to work hard for the right to marry a woman.  An entire book had to be written to make this okay.  And then, for those who were foolish enough not to take the book at its word, laws had to be made that let people like ship captains, court officials and Internet preachers marry men and women.  Nowhere in this mix was it ever thought that two men would marry.  Nowhere.  I mean, what next?  A black man and white woman?  Someone from Ireland marrying a female from Delaware.  Where does the insanity end?

I haven't read the entire ruling on gay marriage.  I don't need to in order to know it is wrong.  How can I prove it is wrong without even reading how the judge came to this decision?  Easy.  The genitals don't fit together.

His Genitalia Won't Fit in Me
The genitalia of a man and a woman are made, by God, to fit together like Legos or the more modern invention of Velcro.  When these two parts are brought together, babies come out.  Duh.  That's not religion.  That's fact!

I'm no scientist or doctor.  I'm just a guy with a web connection, but I totally get biology.  If genitals didn't fit together, we wouldn't have animals being born!  Everything, including humans, would be extinct!  That is why homosexuals shouldn't marry. 

I have no problem with men carrying out sexual activity with other men in things like airport restrooms and dimly lit parking lots, or even on church field trips.  But to mandate, through law, that it is okay for these men to do these things legally in their bedroom or, God forbid, their kitchen, that is just wrong and makes me, as a staunchly heterosexual male with a long history of being really into vaginas, angry.

How can a judge do this us?  Up until a few days ago I felt safe and secure in my heterosexuality.  Now?  Now I don't know what's going on.  How do I know if the men I'm talking to aren't having thoughts of marrying me and making me dress like a woman while they have their way with me, calling me names like "pig" or "slut"?  I can't tell!  What if they want to marry me and make me move to Connecticut of all places?  How am I supposed to be able to stop that?  I can't, because a judge, in a ruling I never read, said it's "okay."

I beg of you, Mr. Judge, change your mind.  Don't base your ruling on the Bible.  I know that won't fly.  You may as well base it on Stephen King's Christine.  Judge it on biology.  I could show you how the genitals don't fit (except in the case of foreskin docking, but that doesn't make babies).  I'd be happy to demonstrate even.  Please reconsider this.  If you don't change your mind, men throughout California are going to be marrying other men, and then what will happen?  I can't see the future, and I'm no Chicken Little, but I'm pretty sure we will all die.

Last I checked, dead is pretty final (at least until you get into Heaven).  Don't kill us, judge.  Please.

No comments: