The following is an e-mail I received from the FBI! Seriously. It cut and paste it, but the official seal and photo of Robert Mueller did not come through (but I ran his picture from the e-mail at the top here). I've started and ended it with ** so you know where to begin and end. What follows is my e-mail response and my commentary. Enjoy the show. (In my e-mail response I have to explain a few things, and this will be done in [brackets]. Those bracketed notes do not appear in the original e-mail back to the FBI.
**FBI Seal Federal Bureau of Investigation FBI Washington Field Office (WFO)
Washington Field Office (WFO) Washington Field Office (WFO)
Anti-Terrorist and Monitory Crimes Division.
Federal Bureau of Investigation.
Federal Bureau Of Investigation.
This is to officially inform you that it has come to our notice and we have thoroughly completed an Investigation with the help of our Intelligence Monitoring Network System that you legally won the sum of $800,000.00 USD from a Lottery Company outside the United States of America. During our investigation we discovered that your e-mail won the money from an Online Balloting System and we have authorized this winning to be paid to you via a Certified Cashier's Check.
Normally, it will take up to 10 business days for an International Check to be cashed by your local bank. We have successfully notified this company on your behalf that funds are to be drawn from a registered bank within the United States of America so as to enable you cash the check instantly without any delay, henceforth the stated amount of $800,000.00 USD has been deposited with Bank of America.
We have completed this investigation and you are hereby approved to receive the winning prize as we have verified the entire transaction to be Safe and 100% risk free, due to the fact that the funds have been deposited at Bank Of America you will be required to settle the following bills directly to the Lottery Agent in-charge of this transaction whom is
located in Lagos, Nigeria. According to our discoveries, you were required to pay for the following -
(1) Deposit Fee's (Fee▓s paid by the company for the deposit into an American Bank which is - Bank of America)
(2) Cashier's Check Conversion Fee (Fee for converting the Wire Transfer payment into a Certified Cashier's Check)
(3) Shipping Fee's (This is the charge for shipping the Cashier's Check to your home address and this fee includes Insurance)
The total amount for everything is $440.00 USD (four hundred and forty dollars only). We have tried our possible best to indicate that this $440.00 USD should be deducted from your winning prize but we found out that the funds have already been deposited at Bank Of America and cannot be accessed by anyone apart from you the winner, therefore you will be required to pay the required fee's to the Agent in-charge of this transaction via Western Union Money Transfer Or Money Gram.
In order to proceed with this transaction, you will be required to contact the Special Agent In Charge: (SCOTT ADAMS) via e-mail. Kindly look below to find appropriate contact information:
Special Agent In Charge: MR. SCOTT ADAMS
E-MAIL ADDRESS: email@example.com
Assistant Special Agent In Charge: Samuel J. Macaluso
Assistant Special Agent In Charge: Gregory R. Melzer
You will be required to e-mail him with the following information to firstname.lastname@example.org
DIRECT CONTACT NUMBER:
NOTE : Do not click reply as replies sent to
Credentials should be sent to the email of the contact person above
You will also be required to request Western Union details on how to send the
required $440.00 USD in order to immediately ship your prize of $800,000.00 USD via Certified Cashier's Check drawn from Bank Of America, also include the following transaction code in order for him to immediately identify this transaction : EA2948-910.
This letter will serve as proof that the Federal Bureau Of Investigation is authorizing you to pay the required $440.00 USD ONLY to Mr. Scott Gilbert via information in which he shall send to you, if you do not receive your winning prize of $800,000.00 we the FBI shall be held responsible for the loss and this shall invite a penalty of $3,000 which will be made PAYABLE ONLY to you (The Winner).
We will anticipate the requested info for 7 working business days, and if we do not
hear from you throughout 7 working business days, we may choose to visit you.
Federal Bureau of Investigation.
So this is what I wrote back:
Thank you for contacting me! At first I could not remember entering any kind of lottery outside of the USA, but then I remembered that almost a year ago exactly I had answered a survey on men's swimwear for a British site, and that must be it.
The money could not come at a better time.
I have to admit that in my job I have to watch for scams, but if the money is to be sent by a Certified Cashier's check I know that can't be faked, and the fact that you and Director Mueller are verifying this is good enough for me. I just need to know how to send you the fees. (I also bank at Bank of America, so this is convenient.)
Also, is there an extra fee for express transactions? I'm willing to pay a bit more to have it quickly (no more than $200). Knowing what I know about taxes and whatnot, I find the $440 to be reasonable, and I can understand why nobody else can access the money now that it is safely in the bank. Frankly, I think that's a good thing, though I do understand that it makes your job harder.
It's also nice to read that if something goes wrong that the FBI is responsible for my winnings and penalty. I'm sure it will be fine, but the backing of the Feds makes it all the more stronger in my eyes.
I am giving you my work contact number. I will explain things in moment. My number is 707-441-4044. [Editor's note: This is not my home phone number, but it is the phone number of the Eureka Police Department.] You are going to ask for Mr. Wayne Adam Ford. [Editor's note: Wayne Adam Ford is a local serial killer who turned himself into the Humboldt County Sheriff's Department by pulling a female breast out of his pocket as way of proof he was up to no good.] This is not my direct number. I work in the field and can only communicate via radio, however, reception will be able to put you through to me. However, you need to know a thing or two.
First, only call between 8 am and 5 pm PST Mon-Fri. That's the only time I will be there. I am not telling co-workers about my winnings, but I will tell front reception. Front reception is trained to say I am either not there, not working that day or am otherwise unavailable (depending on who answers the call). There are only three different ladies who handle front reception. I am letting each of them know that I am getting a call from Special Agent Scott Adams of the FBI about money that most be wired to Nigeria in regards to my overseas lottery winnings. I will also tell them the call could come from Mr. Scott Gilbert if that is who is calling. Please make sure that he also gives reception that information so they know to get ahold of me immediately.
Thank you for taking the time to contact me. I rarely check my e-mail and I no longer have a land line. I appreciate it this, and I thank you for taking the time to protect our country. We are in this together. -Mr. Wayne Adam Ford.
Now, I never believed this was a real letter from the FBI. The fact that it even mentions Nigeria is a dead giveaway. Here are some fun things I found in it, though.
"During our investigation we discovered that your e-mail won the money from an Online Balloting System and we have authorized this winning to be paid to you via a Certified Cashier's Check." -- I was not aware the FBI got to authorize any "winning." Seems odd, but hey, I'm greedy. Let's go with it.
"E-MAIL ADDRESS: email@example.com" -- Maybe I'm crazy, but I don't think the FBI has gmail addresses. Could just be me.
"This letter will serve as proof that the Federal Bureau Of Investigation is authorizing you to pay the required $440.00 USD ONLY to Mr. Scott Gilbert via information in which he shall send to you, if you do not receive your winning prize of $800,000.00 we the FBI shall be held responsible for the loss and this shall invite a penalty of $3,000 which will be made PAYABLE ONLY to you (The Winner)." -- Sweet! This random e-mail serves as "proof" that I should only pay $440 in fake fees to Mr. Scoot Gilbert. Also, double sweet that the FBI shall be held responsible and pay me a penalty. When I'm dumb and pay this money to these crazy-ass Nigerians, I'll get ripped off, of course. But then I'll go to the FBI and show them that they are responsible for this and they owe me a penalty. Damn, I almost hope I get ripped off! The FBI will most likely shoot me in the head, and I'll deserve it for being so damn stupid.
"We will anticipate the requested info for 7 working business days, and if we do not
hear from you throughout 7 working business days, we may choose to visit you." -- Only Nigerian FBI agents can make $800,000 in prize money sound ominous. I guess I'm suppose to say, "Boy, the FBI is really concerned that I get this money." Not, "Boy, why the fuck would the FBI care whether or not I claim this money?" I love that they may "choose" to visit me. Can't the FBI always "choose" to visit someone? I can choose to visit the FBI. Why do they have to get all noir on me? I'm just a humble overseas lottery winner.
But can you picture anything more insane than Nigerians in secondhand business suits showing up at your house pretending to be FBI agents? Thick accents. Nervous glances. Trying to maintain their cool as they realize that, shit, I'm not some podunk motherfucker with a computer. I've got a library full of books on improvised weaponry and instructions on how to shrink human heads. I've got tattoos, a shaved head and a septum ring. Halloween shit is left up year round. And I seem kind of into the idea that they may want to fuck with me because I may want to fuck right back, and I'm always willing to take things just a tad bit too far. You boys want a drink? What's the Ffff Beeee Eyeeee drink these days? A wink. A sly smile. I bet you boys are thirsty. You sure are sweating. Why's that you think? Threat level at red or some such nonsense? You know, I always thought the scariest terrorists weren't Al Qaeda or even our homegrown boys like McVeigh. Nah. It's those Nigerians. The ones who try to scam old folks out of their hard-earned money with e-mail scams. Is it getting hotter in here? Shit. I'll make you something to drink. No? Suit yourselves. You're the Feds. So, back to those Nigerian terrorists. My guess? If a bunch of them disappeared the investigation would be about this long: 'You see some Nigerians? No, Sir.' End of investigation. Hee haw. Shit, you boys know it, too. How long you been with the FBI? Three years? No shit. Babies. Where'd you train? Train? You know -- go to school, do your testing? I know there's a few schools around the country, but you all end up the same place, right? Now where is that? Funny, that don't sound right, but no matter. That may have changed since I last heard. You boys sure I can't get you a drink? Even the Federal government's finest men gotta drink every once in a while. And look at me. Here I am calling you boys, when you're full-fledge FBI men. You all look so young to me, though. Twenties and I'm in ... well, I'm not. Everyone looks younger than me. Hard to call kids men, you know. What else is weird is I don't see a bulge. You know, from your weapons. Now why would that be? Why would you not be carrying your issued service weapons? I know it's just a simple lottery check, but you are on duty. I could see not wanting to carry them if you were pulled over and not licensed to carry them. But being FBI you are definitely licensed. What's that? Oh, you want me to feel at ease. Well, I do appreciate that boys -- men -- there I go again -- but I'm totally at ease. You three, on the other hand, seem edgy. Like you may have gotten in bit over your heads. How's about that? In over your heads. I'm gonna give you say ten seconds to get your asses out of here or I start eating you. And if you think I'm fucking joking, you look in my eyes. I will disable you, and I will eat you. Alive or dead, I don't give a flying fat fuck. You will be eaten, and I may be shitting out pieces of you when you're still calling for your mother. Now quit fucking wasting my time and get the fuck out of here. One, two ...
I'd never get to three.
My only concern now is that the police don't call me on this one.