Graveyards and Cocktails
I was getting ready to hit the bed and read until the sweet embrace of sleep would call for me when the phone rang. I had just gotten off the phone, and here it was again, begging for an answer. I just wanted to relax. Sleep is an elusive pursuit these days. Rain woke me up this morning, which angered me. When I don't get enough sleep, anything that wakes me early faces the possibility of my rage.
So do phone calls from out of the blue.
This person, whom I shall call X because X's identity would be known by many who read this, was having "issues." X thought I could help with these. I could ... if I wanted to. I really didn't. I have enough stress of my own with budget thoughts (great talk with a co-worker at lunch about this today), Xmess, and life in general. X wanted to bend my ear a bit. Bounce ideas. I was to be a solution to a problem I did not create.
Relationship problems. The worst kind to have, I suppose. I told X I tend not to make decisions based on emotions because that usually causes problems. I said this may or may not work for them, but that's how I did things.
My eyes kept darting to the clock. Dear God, I'm pretty sure I've had this conversation before. I'm pretty sure I've given the same answer. I'm pretty sure it was as well-received then as it was now, which is to say not at all.
"I'm flattered you are asking my advice," I said, "but I think I'm the wrong one to ask about this. Like I said, cold and calculating. I appreciate it, but really, I'm not the one that needs to answer this. I think you know the answer, and I think it affects you more than it does me, so you better listen to yourself."
It seemed to be a safe answer. I said it nicely. I was tired. It did not look like I would be reading. Instead, I saw this conversation dragging on into the wee hours of morning. I got to work. I already don't get enough sleep. I sure as hell don't want to be kept up.
I kept thinking that X wanted me to say to stay in the relationship. Problem was, these problems were not new and they weren't changing. They were the same ones I had been hearing for months.
"If you don't want me to think rationally," I offered, "why don't you tell me how going with your emotions has helped you? Have the emotional decisions you've made been good ones?" I wasn't sure what X would say. I knew my answer, but my values and feelings on the matter are my own and they don't necessarily apply to anyone else.
The answer didn't surprise me, though. "No." No. X admitted the decisions made based on emotion weren't working, but said that they can sometimes work. Agreed. Emotions can be viable things to base decisions on. As can rationality. Or insanity. Whatever. I just wanted to hang up.
"What should I do?"
There were things I wanted to say that I knew would lead to more conversation. I remember once saying I didn't really care what X did because it didn't affect me. That was, by all accounts, a Huge Fucking Mistake. So, instead ...
"Sleep on it." That's what I said. Sleep on it. Problems seem different in the morning. You gain new perspectives.
"I wanna know now. I don't wanna sleep on it."
So, instead ...
"Then fucking leave. Get out of your situation. Honestly, if you think that your emotional decisions haven't worked for you, why not go with logic? You are treated bad? End it. Lied to? End it. Cheated on you? End it."
"Yeah, maybe I will."
So now it is 11:10, I can't see straight, I'm having a problem with an interview I can't do now (I did not realize the deadline was so close), I'm looking at job changes, and yet more budget info came out. It would be really easy to be emotional about any one of these things, but emotion doesn't work well for. As the Dead Kennedys said, "Your emotions/Make you a monster."
God, I need sleep. That conversation wiped me.