The Cold Fingers of Death Reach the Blackest of Hearts

I have an unhealthy fascination with the THiS Network. It's just been added to the Suddenlink line-up here in Humboldt County, and I've already added it to my favorites and have called Suddenlink to tell them to never drop it. Older genre films? Chuck Norris? Vincent Price? The Dunwich Horror? Check to all those things. I swear if I see Death Bed in the line-up (unlikely as it's stuff that MGM has its hands on), I just may scream.

Suddenlink also offers Chiller, which is the horror channel; BBC America, home of Top Gear (the best show on television) and Gordon Ramsey, whose many shows never fail to impress me; and the other usual suspects. I gotta admit, despite the dumb-ass name Suddenlink actually is a pretty good cable company.

Cox was the company of choice in Humboldt before Suddenlink took over. If Suddenlink is a dumb name, Cox was downright unfortunate. How do you tell your employer that you have to be home all morning because you're waiting for Cox? There was no good way around that other than to say "the cable guy," which sounds like a lame excuse. Suddenlink, while not sounding obscene, actually sounds like something you would do in a video game. At least Viacom sounded official.

Suddenlink also offers up caller ID on your television. I am supposed to have this. I do not want it, but I did want to find out why I didn't have it. From what the Suddenlink lady told me, it was just a glitch on their end, and she turned it on for me ... except she didn't. So when I called back I told her that while I didn't want caller ID on my television, I was wondering why it wasn't on yet. As I said it, I realized how ridiculous this sounded. She did ask me what my complaint and call was about then. I said something like, "I'm not really sure. If you turned it on and it worked, I'm pretty sure it would just irritate me."

"Do you want me to send someone out?"

That was the last thing I wanted. If they were to do that, I'd probably have to take time off for Cox -- I mean Suddenlink.

"No. That won't be necessary."

"You would have caller ID then."

"I don't really want it." I thanked her for talking to me and then hung up.

She was polite the entire time (unlike those necrophiliacs at AT and T), and really didn't directly point out how stupid my line of questioning was. (Perhaps I'll see one of those hidden taxes they like to throw into a cable bill.) It made me appreciate the company a tad bit more ... and then THiS came and thoroughly blew me away. What other station shows Breaker! Breaker!? None! Not a single one. I'm sure that movie has been on television for at least a decade. (That said, I still won't watch it, but I'm glad it's there.)

So, thank you, Suddenlink. Thank you for your wonderful line-up and for your employees who put up with my moronic shit. Now, if you could Sy-Fy to change its name back you would be a corporate god in my book.