Police Story

Look closely at this man's face. If you've ever been in Moorestown, New Jersey you may have seen him. He may have pulled you over because your headlight was out, or you went through a stop sign. You may have cursed him. You may have thanked him because you only got a warning "this time." I bet you would never guess that Robert Melia, Jr. had a secret. Sure, you think everyone's got secrets. You secretly like shows on Oxygen. You know your neighbor's secret is that she sometimes lays out topless when she thinks no one is looking. Melia, Jr., however, has a bigger secret ... or did. He'd probably still have it, too, if he didn't video tape it.

Police were investigating their peer, and it wasn't for the type of thing anyone wants to investigate anyone for. They were seeing if there was any validity to the charge that Melia, Jr. and his girlfriend had molested three girls. Then they came across some video footage that most likely made them momentarily forget the charges against the New Jersey officer while at the same time lending them credence.

Melia, Jr. had taken video of himself receiving oral sex from "five underage calves." You read that right. Baby cows. Oral sex. Luckily for Melia, Jr. he lives in New Jersey, which doesn't recognize bestiality as a crime.

Prosecutors were undeterred by New Jersey's decidedly "progressive" views on animal fucking. They had him charged with annoying the animals, but failed to prove the calves didn't like sucking the pig, so to speak, though they tried. They pointed out that the calves repeated head-butts against the cop were due to the fact that they were upset because they weren't getting any milk for all their efforts. That didn't really fly with the judge. Any state that allows bestiality probably has a fairly strict criteria for what really constitutes as animal annoyance. Anyone can get a cow to suck them, but if they put the cow in a dress and make it wear make-up, that could possibly be going overboard.

Melia, Jr., who was a patrolman who had been on the force since 2000, had the animal cruelty charges dropped. New Jersey, however, hasn't gotten around to decriminalizing pedophilia yet, so he didn't get so lucky with those charges, but one can see his defense with little effort. ("Your Honor, my client obviously likes cows and not little girls." "Your Honor, I object. The cows were underage!" But were they female?)

New Jersey, the East Coast equivalent to the South when it comes to jokes, does itself no favors when it comes to this incident. Police the country over also take a bit of a hit. How can anyone who has knowledge of this story not help but snicker when they see the K-9 unit drive by? Where you once made pig noises when one passed by, do you now moo? Melia, Jr. has also ruined the good name of zoophiles everywhere. He has tainted them with those charges of child molestation. It is easy to see that many would denounce him as nothing more than a pervert whose prurient interests like not in animals or children but in anything considered taboo. (And if the zoophiles think you are a freak ...)

Thanks to Melia, Jr., an entire state is now in the spotlight as being a haven for people who love being mounted by dogs and filming their wives with a horse. Not only does it become a mecca for this, but it also shows that their lawyers can't even win a case where there is video evidence of a man getting a hummer from not one calf, but five of them. What does that say about New Jersey's legal system through and through? It doesn't bode well for those young girls, either. Their parents are probably worried to death that these lawyers won't be able to close this case, either.

Look at that face again. Imagine him in the field, his penis exposed to the night air as the calves lap at it. Imagine him enjoying it and feeling bad about every hamburger he's ever eaten. Look closer. He looks like a cop. Look even closer. He looks like he enjoys making love to animals. Now look at the woman below him. His girlfriend.

It all starts to make sense now, doesn't it?