I'm trying to make this blog a little less about my mental state. It's been great therapy, but I kind of want to see what will happen if I stop the therapy and just concentrate on other stuff. Add more mystery to my life. See how far I can push things. You see, the stuff I've written about on here has really come back to haunt me.
When you lay stuff out on the line, you invite criticism. You have to expect to deal with people who read things into your work that isn't there. You hurt people's fragile feelings. If you don't get all apologetic or react the way they think you should, you become an asshole. Really, I don't care if people think I'm an asshole (then don't bother with me). That's not why I'm trying to change the focus. It's because ... well, I don't want to get into all the details. Let's just look at my week.
My daughter's first day of school. Playing phone tag with the Eureka Police Department. Applying for new jobs. Going through the house getting rid of stuff I don't want to pack and finding things left behind that apparently have no meaning anymore. Getting into a huge fight with a dear friend, apologizing, and realizing I messed things up beyond belief. Being isolated from another friend -- and that kills me even worse than I thought it would (be brave, moon, be brave). Almost being killed by some cunt on her cell phone while she "drove" her car. (Hope you get cancer.) Pushing forward plans to get a little evil with a person I should not get evil with.
All of this stuff played out in my little world, and at some point I just sat back, examined it and said, "Disconnect." So I did.
Best quote this week? "Every once in a while I get a glimpse of who you really are. I don't know whether to be scared or wet." That was funny. My response. "Probably best if you're a little of both." Totally inappropriate given the person and situation, but so worth saying. Never miss those little opportunities.
I'm sure the personal will creep in. I want to try to contain it as much as possible, though. I want to bottle it up because letting it out hasn't worked. The only problem I can see, though, is that I'll be even more miserable now (at least on those days when I don't get to see my daughter -- who I had a great talk with this weekend).
I really miss myself sometimes.
The cork goes on ... now.
3 comments:
gawddamn...i've been telling myself all weekend, "i miss me." i was still moody and cranky while my friend was here but i was a lot of other things too...good things. there was a bit of time when me, my friend, and my crush had walked down murray road to where you can see the ocean. we were talking about hole-ing up/hermiting/staying away from people periodically, concealing parts of ourselves that superficial people don't want to contend with, that sort of thing and how most people can't deal or understand it. they attempt to make you feel guilty for needing to lay low--maybe not purposely but that's the way it comes off looking. i had mentioned that i was tired of scaring people off...that i didn't want to spend the rest of my life alone so i'd mostly stop telling people stuff and that from time to time, i force myself to be out & feign being alright. my crush said that was the wrong way to go...to be completely me and weed out the weak. he doesn't understand that apparently, with some rare exceptions, all i pick are the weak. i know i'm a lot to put up with. in any case, it was one of those hard moments of clarity...f**kin ocean in the background being the soundtrack to this scene in my life...i DO miss me.
i hope some day to see you unedited, uncensored, uncut. whatever unsettling parts of your being you conceal, you wouldn't be you without them.
the more i try to prepare myself for losing your friendship, the more of you i want to know. unless you are running one hell of a scam on me, you are precisely the kind of friend i hang on to because you have a fairly decent assessment of who you are and what you're about & you're good about making that clear with people. no games, no bullshit, no false promises. i appreciate that.
My friendship will never be lost.
how can you know that?
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