Exploiting the Dead: Scavenging the Japanese Graveyard

Warren Buffett, that financial guru who tells you what to do with your money and you listen because he has your best interests at heart, doesn't let a tragedy like a major earthquake coupled with a killer tsunami and topped with a bit of radioactivity slow down investment.  In fact, he sees the tragedy in Japan as a "rare opportunity" to invest in Japanese businesses.

This is all done under the guise of helping out a struggling country while getting a little return for your buck, and it does do that.  Make no mistake, though, this about being the fastest and biggest vulture on the block.  Capitalism has ensured that when markets are worthy, they will get the funds needed to rebuild.  (Correct me if I'm wrong, but I didn't read about Buffett making the same claims about Haiti.)  Japan will recover, and if you get in now, you can get a piece of that pie ... and help them out a bit.

I'm sure the Japanese will appreciate the help, but I'm also sure they'll realize the greed behind it.  They are capitalists, too, afterall.  They aren't strangers to voodoo economics and trickle down myths, but unlike us, they are a bit more realistic about it all.

The Nikkei went nuts after Buffett's words to the elite went out.  Like Jesus walking on water, Buffett had arrived to save the Japanese citizenry like a white-haired Gamera.  "Buffett, Buffett!  He's our man!  His words are going to save Japan!"  Like Charlie Sheen, the Japanese stock market went a little crazy, and like CBS, Japan may have to embrace a little crazy in order to bounce back. 

Buffett doesn't even call it a "tragedy" or "earthquake."  It's an "extraordinary event."  Imagine the kind of world you must live in to see everything as a matter of simple economics.  A world where thousands dead from a natural (and soon to be unnatural) disaster is an "extraordinary event" and not a disaster.  I picture Buffett sitting on his couch, his well-manicured and smooth hands fondly his shriveled penis.  CNN is playing its usual loop of disaster coverage.  The tsunami starts throwing vehicles around as if they are paper cranes.  His penis starts to twitch.  It's getting harder.  Stoic Japanese faces fill the screen.  Look at them.  Going about their business without all that troublesome looting so epidemic in the West.  Harder now.  He is stroking.  Faster.  Look at those roads.  They'll have to be rebuilt.  The power plants?  Them, too.  That'll take a lot of money.  Boom!  His orgasm is over.  A trickle of clear semen moistening his elderly fingers.  He imagines it tastes like money.  Everything does.

What an extraordinary investing opportunity.  Imagine the possibilities if those reactors thoroughly explode?  Now that will be a proper economic orgy.

Usual FTC Disclaimer: Warren Buffett did not pay me to write this positive piece about his masturbation habits.  If you click on my Amazon affiliate link in this post, however, and buy the anarchist book, I'll receive a slight commission, which I may or may not use to invest in this extraordinary event.


Nikki said...

Your FTC disclaimers are cracking me up! As for the rest of the post, I am sick over what happened and is continuing to happen in Japan, and you know I don't get emotional over far-away disasters very often. Of course the capitalist vultures will swoop in and gorge themselves on the carnage, they are, after all, carrion birds. People like that don't help others out of the goodness of their hearts, they do it to gain something in return.

-Doug Brunell "America's Favorite Son" said...

Glad you like those FTC disclaimers. Fucking stupid, but I can afford the fines.
Buffett is partially right, as investment money will help them, but again, I didn't hear him say that about Haiti, and altruism and capitalism are oil and water.

steve2lex said...

I enjoyed this post, as usual, but am **really** looking forward to seeing if you write something about the googlebooks decision today...

-Doug Brunell "America's Favorite Son" said...

I will do so. I'll do it on my book blog, The Written Word is a Lie.