3.1.11

The Knife Hits Bone

1:12.  That's when the clock read when I first woke up.  The next six times I looked at it didn't help, either.  Time did not go in reverse.  Time did not stop.  It marched on.  Like the face-changing serial killer in the dream that caused me to be awake at this time in the first place.

Every time I tried got back asleep, I saw him.  His face was always different, but his eyes, way of walking, mannerisms, and weapon (a large kitchen knife) were all the same.  He walked at a slow, steady pace.  (I like that.  It says that no matter how fast you can run, he still feels like he can get you.  He is taking his time.  There is no need to rush.  His work can wait because the outcome is inevitable.  And that outcome is that you'll be bleeding out, pleading for your life, and he won't hear a word.  He'll work in silence.  Slicing, stabbing, sawing.  He'll finish when he's good and ready, but by the time that comes, you'll be long gone.  If you could be thankful about that, you would be.  The things he'll do to you ... you treat steak with more respect.)  He pursued.  He kept looking at me, but leaving me alone.  Instead, he went after loved ones, friends, co-workers. 

I'm not so ignorant that I don't know what caused this dream.  I don't need to get into the reasons because they are highly personal, and I tend to leave that to the people on Facebook.  I know why I had it, though, and I know what must be done about it.

Some people texted me about my New Year's Resolution.  They apparently don't know me well enough to know I find those things ridiculous.  The New Year is a good starting point for many people.  For me, however, it's another day.  Nothing magically changes.  The sky isn't a different color.  People don't treat one another better.  Love is still love, and hate is a still a fuel.  To think 1/1/11 is somehow a galaxy away from 12/31/10 is magical thinking at best, and delusional at worst. 

There are things I'd like to see happen in 2011.  I've put some in motion.  Some can't be done yet.  These things have nothing to do with resolutions and everything to do with wanting a full night's sleep.  Will they all come to pass?  Of course not.  Some may take a while.  Some may never happen.  That's okay by me.  Just putting in the effort feels good.  I'm cutting away the fat, like the serial killer in my dream when he gets to your stomach. The way he pulls the entrails out and tosses them to the side is much how I'm dealing with things.  As with the real entrails, they will still remain connected, but you'll have more room to ... work.  It'll be sloppy, but you can get the job done, and you'll never have to look over your shoulder to make sure the door is locked (no unwanted guests popping in for a hello and cup o' joe).  You know it is because you are that sure of your actions.  You didn't get this far by making mistakes. 

If that's my 2011 (the destruction of 2010's inhumanity), then I can live with that.  I won't make it a resolution.  I can, if it makes those who ask such questions feel better, make it a mission.  Nietzsche was right about the abyss.  He's the philosopher I tend to agree with the most.   That abyss, though, is always worth gazing into.

2 comments:

drj v2010 said...

almost sounds like he is you...like you have some work to do and if you don't do it, he will do it but he'll do what you ought to do and then some.
or something.
but even if he is not you, do what you have to do because, man, what a rough way to lose sleep. i sure as hell wouldn't want that to be what's keeping me up at night.

-Doug Brunell "America's Favorite Son" said...

It was quite an odd dream, but not as odd as the ones I'm sure you'll have these next few nights.