Choke

So, not only is work insane (and by insane I mean ab-so-lute-ly fucking bugshit, eyes crossed, tongue out, drooling nuts), but I heard something today about a friend that I didn't like hearing. Now, the first person I heard it from is one of the cross-eyed lunatics. About half of what comes out this person's cockhole goes in one ear and out the other. That's what you do with crazy. You nod and hope it goes away. The other name involved surprised me. Expected better, I did. Didn't get it. (And if you think this has to do with people at work, you may want to think again. I have a life outside of that concentration camp in the guise of a place of aid.)

Now, I felt no need to tell cross-eyed that the words spewing forth were nuts. To me, that says I feel some respect for the words. I didn't. I only defend people from people I or they respect. Why bother with the others? You won't change their mind. They won't see your point of view. It's a wasted effort. Again, you just nod and hope it goes away. It wasn't true. It doesn't matter. But it still bugged me.

It didn't bug me because it's true (it's not). It didn't bug me because they were right (they aren't). It didn't bug me because it's the same old shit (it is). It bugged me because some people never grow out of high school no matter how old they are. It bugged me because some people stick their nose where it doesn't belong. It bugged me because people you think are nice and reasonable are no different than the rest of the swine.

And today was a bad day for this. Emergency problems. Case problems. Client problems. And then stupidity. I had no real reaction. Sometimes that's the best policy. But I dwelled on it. I started to think of another friend there who told me how his/her friends dwindled in numbers and how decisions made in the past have screwed up his/her future.

And I thought some more.

I thought of high school, rumors, drama, backstabbing, two-faced shit talkers, busy bodies. Morally bankrupt, socially retarded bottom dwellers.

It wasn't just this one thing. It was everything. This was the straw. This was the choke point. I took a good long look in the mirror in the bathroom. Water from the sink was dripping down my face. Stress was at a high. Should I call shit as I see it and start all kinds of problems, problems that wouldn't be visited upon me but on others? Casualities? Should I do that? Should I stick true to my values and say that if it comes from crazy it doesn't need to be addressed? Then I came up with another alternative.

I'll just kill them.

There are quite a few people in this world I would let die if I came upon them at the scene of an accident. I'll admit I don't care about that them much. But what if I looked upon them as enemies and destroyed them?

Nah, that's just as bug-eyed.

But I could promote it. Try to push things in a certain direction. Start the ball rolling. Get the show on the road. Manipulate. Influence. Create situations where you can kind of guess the outcome.

I think that could work. Alleviate the pressure. I know you get rid of some insanity and more fills the void, but why not work on getting rid of that, too?

Some people need to disappear for the better of humanity. I know I shouldn't judge, but if not me, who?

Here's to your destruction. God, I hope your respective families get a call that they found you all dead of shotgun blasts in some nameless gutter on a dead-end street. You deserve it ... more than you'll ever know.