Choking on a Telephone Line

I bought a new phone.  That's really not what I wanted to write about.  What I wanted to write about, I won't out of respect for the people involved.  All I'll say is that the lives of two very dear friends have changed, and all I could think about while talking to the one half of the couple was that line in one of Rollins' songs.  "Life will not break your heart/It will crush it."

Instead I'll write of the phone.

I'm not a huge fan of cell phones, smart phones or "your little vibrating friend in your pocket" (you know what I mean, ladies).  They cause distractions while driving, interrupt work, give assholes an inflated sense of self at the movies and in restaurants.  They have their uses, however, and one of those is uses is to send topless pictures of yourself to some guy who will inevitably post them on some website he thinks you'll never see (and you won't).

They're also good for when your car breaks down.

I needed a new one.  My cell phone battery wouldn't hold a charge for a call, and I couldn't receive topless pictures.  Now, I could buy a new battery, and I tried.  I went everywhere, including that little kiosk in the mall run by some woman from an Eastern European country.  Nothing.  They no longer make batteries for my rotary dial cell phone.

I called my provider to find out if I could stay on the same plan.  He informed me I could if I bought a certain phone, so I set out to find that phone.  That phone, it should be noted, has been discontinued.  So not only was my cell phone old, but so was my plan.  So old, in fact, that the only phone it would work on was old.

Which leads me to the Rumor Touch.  This phone, which sounds like a strange, arty porn film, was the only one whose price didn't cause my testicles to pull up inside my stomach. As the box assured me, though, I could do just about everything with it.  Everything except get my provider to activate the fucking thing.

The sales clerk offered to do it at the store, but I had no time for such nonsense.  I proudly declared I'd "do it at home, mofo."  And I tried.  I tried doing it online.  I got an error message for all my troubles telling me to call the provider.  So I did.  After navigating through a phone tree system that would cause Columbus to get lost, I learned that the service center was closed (apparently there are some giant companies that don't operate a 24 hour service center these days) and that I should try to activate my phone on the web.  It was almost like I was stuck in a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure written by an obsessive compulsive crack addict.

I tried the web again ... and it worked!  Shit the bed!  Well, at least it looked like it worked.  I could place a call, take a call, and messaging has been sporadic ... I think (my peeps don't always respond in a timely manner, yo).  I took a picture.  That worked.  I haven't tried to go on Facebook or receive a picture yet, but I expect no problems.

So I have a new phone.  A Rumor Touch, which fits my lifestyle of touching things and vibrating.  The best part?  I can get those topless pictures ... I just hope my mother, who has recently discovered the joys of texting and sending pictures through the phone, doesn't accidentally send me one of those.  If she does, I'll make it her contact picture and show all my friends.

Mandatory FTC Disclaimer:  Clicking on a link can earn me a commission.  It could also cause a topless picture of yourself to be sent to my phone.  Wear a shirt while on the computer.

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