I fell asleep last night to the strains of "Free Bird." It was after two a.m., which is typical of me now. Wouldn't be so bad except that I get up around five ... in the morning. It made me think of a text I received very late in the evening. A text I didn't get around to reading until I looked at the clock and saw it was one a.m. and my mind was racing.
What brings me peace?
It was a simple question. It was a simple question that begged for a complicated answer. What brings me peace?
My daughter brings me peace. She is the reason I get up in the morning. Seeing her develop from a baby to a smart, funny, insane five-year-old with a habit of shouting that I'm "going down old man" while we're playing video games is something that makes me so utterly happy that it makes me hate humanity all the more. You see, I go from here to the world and that's where it all falls apart.
Peace has never been a friend of mine. I believe that I'm at my best when I'm in a state of anger and rage, all my cylinders firing. My daughter changes that. I operate best now when I'm around her. Simple. Easy. End of story.
Except it's not.
I don't know how I deal with people on any kind of human level from day to day. The urge to withdraw from society grows greater. It's a protectionist move. I don't see humanity as having a lot to offer. The liars, the weak, the ignorant -- they are all around and they are slowly taking over the show. They say things like, "I don't support the war, but I support the troops." They buy wine in boxes. They fight each other for deals at the store. They make animals look downright civilized.
I, like GG Allin, will not act civilized. I will not even try because this idea of civilization leaves a lot to be desired.
So, what brings me peace? My daughter. My daughter and the hope that someday real justice will visit the people who deserve it, the folks who should not be saved from their fate.
That and really good pizza.
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