My daughter has been hinting around lately. Hinting at the fact that she wants me to find someone, get married and so on. She's four, so it's cute, but it's also heart breaking. She doesn't want me to be lonely, and she wants her family back.
No four-year-old should have to think such things.
(In all fairness, too, she made one very interesting suggestion. It was cute, and she didn't even know my entire history with the female, whom I shall not name.)
There was so much I wanted to write tonight, but that has kind of gone out the window, as this turned out to be one fucked up evening. Back pain, a failed attempt at sushi rice (my soon-to-be ex-wife always made the rice), suggestions of marriage and so on, all made the entire night very surreal. There's more I won't even mention, but I all that I was going to discuss kind of took a backseat to the idea of finding someone new.
After the incident with The Girl, I don't feel too comfortable introducing my daughter to someone else who will just rip me apart at some point. It leads to questions that I don't feel like answering. At this point in my life, there are few women I would even trust to have meet her. One of the ones she suggested she really likes, which leads me to believe she has good taste in matches for me based on prior history, but it gets kind of painful after a while. How do you explain being jaded to a kid?
She means well. She is my life. I hate to hear her say she wants me to not be lonely. I tell her as long as I have her in my life there's no way I could be lonely. Usually she says something like, "Someone to kissey kiss." Freakin' cute and astute.
What I want, however, has absolutely no bearing on reality. I know what I would have if I could have my way. I think the answer would surprise quite a few people. (Do not ask. I will not tell.) I also think I know my future.
If any of you ever read "Preacher," there's a good chance you read it through to the end. It was just that type of comic book series/trade paperback. Toward the end of the story, The Saint of Killers finally confronts God, kills him, and sits upon his throne. He puts his head down, finally at rest. His journey was a long, bloody one, but his vengeance was deserved. That final death put a period on his tale.
I feel as if I'm approaching the Kingdom. My journey, at least this part, is almost over. I'm about to end things (not in a suicidal way) and rest.
Destiny? I don't know. It's a concept I don't have a lot of faith in. There's been enough happening, though, that I'm starting to see the writing on the wall, and I don't know how to deal with it.
It's time to pull the trigger, sit on the throne and rest.
So be it.
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