Destruction

It's late.

I remember when things used to be simpler. When things really mattered. I remember thinking I had things under control. A girl I used to know decades ago said she only knew of three people who had their shit together. Me. Charles Manson. Henry Rollins. At least I think that was the list. Kind of a mixed blessing there either way.

Can't imagine what she'd think now if she looked into this brain of mine.

I'm tired of feeling this way. Not doing enough creative writing. Did some last night. Felt good. Felt real good. Felt like I was moving my future along. Haven't had time tonight. This does not count.

I start to slip when I don't do creative writing. I get a little touched.

I have these ideas for this blog and the others. Want to do a piece on justice. Want to do one on the powers of words and symbols. On Satanic Music For Good Children I want to do a piece on the Beatles. When my daughter turns eighteen I have this idea of going to South America for a while and finding a cannibal tribe. Want to partake. Some people want to see the Great Wall. Daddy Bush wanted to jump out of a plane. I want to get in touch with our most primal of fears. Will I do it? Maybe. Maybe not. Probably not. Quite honestly, I'm not too keen on camping, and that seems like it would be a little too much roughing it for my own good. I appreciate things like showers, running water, cable television. Still, it would be an experience worth writing about. Living amongst cannibals for a month. Taking part of their culture. Chronicling it. Fascinating.

I like coming on here when I'm tired and just writing whatever comes to mind. It's cheaper than therapy, and it does cause me problems from time to time, but I'm no stranger to controversy. I wear it like a comfortable coat. I don't care, and it shows.

See all those healthcare reform public meetings that devolve into chaos? I find it fascinating. I'm all for protesting, even violent protest. I just think the protests I have seen so far are poorly thought out rhetoric. It seems like the louder one screams the less they have to say. I wonder if these people have actually read anything on the reform outside their comfortable sphere of influence, or if they've relied only on talk radio and the columnists they agree with. To get all sides of the story, you have to look at all sides. I heard one screaming about socialism and how she doesn't want the government providing healthcare. I don't trust the government, either, but I had to wonder if she wanted the VA to stop providing care for our soldiers or if that is somehow different? I hope she's protesting that, too. Also saw one saying she didn't want her country to look like Russia. Since Russia is primarily capitalist now, I'd have to agree. I've always been partial to pre-Civil War Spain myself, but that won't fly now. Hell, we drink Coke!

It's late. It reminds me a line from The The. "It's late/And I'm the last person on this plane still awake." I may have gotten that somewhat wrong. It may be "train" instead of "plane," but the idea is the same.

Too tired to edit the manuscript. Don't want to fuck it up. I like having a block of time where I don't have to do anything and I'm wide awake. That ain't now. That depresses me. Everything sucks me dry. I feel like I'm putting a lot of time and effort into things that just don't need it.

A casual friend said something interesting to me today. Her words kinda shot around my head for a while. "You're the only person I know who can operate effectively at the edge of anger for so long. When do you stop?"

I don't know. Didn't know what to say. Could only laugh. That did not help the conversation.

Another co-worker told me she liked my shop local diatribe. I thanked her. It's nice to hear some positive words from time to time. That one seemed to hit home for some people.

It's only Tuesday. Can't imagine the rest of the week.

Outlaw Scumfuc

It has been asked a lot of me lately. What the hell is up with Film Threat and my pieces? The short answer is: I don't know.

I've been sending reviews and interviews. I've worked hard on these, as anyone who has talked to me about it knows. Very little, however, is making its way onto the site. I have theories on this, but nothing I can prove. I'm supposed to be watching a movie now, but I don't want to wake my daughter. And yes, I'm wondering if my role there is coming to an end.

I've made a lot of good contacts through the site and have seen lots of great movies. It has gotten my name out there, and has led to some business opportunities. I would miss it if it ended, but it would also free up some time.

My "web presence" is almost nil these days, which is pushing me to get another manuscript published. I sent out the cannibal story to one publisher who found the ending too depressing, which kind of bugged me. It wasn't supposed to be happy. I'm hoping it can find a home, but I have my doubts. I had some people do a reading of it to get feedback (first time I've done that, but it won't be the last because I got some great critiques), and it was described as "disturbing" and one reader even said it reminded her of those '70s and '80s movies where you know everyone is going to have bad things happen to them. That was exactly what I was shooting for. Some readers couldn't make it very far because it upset them so much. That was an okay reaction, too. I don't think I'll change the ending, though.

My problem, which may have led to problems with various publishers, is that I have a vision for my work. I don't mind making changes that make sense. If I want a mood to be depressing, though, I won't change that. It is part of the story. Any editor worth being paid knows that mood is part of the story. I won't apologize for giving a story about a family being attacked by cannibals a depressing ending. I didn't set out to make it depressing. I set out to make it real. No apologies. No changes.

I'll push ahead with it. I figure some publisher has got to love it at some point. I'll fine tune it more, but that ending will most likely stay unless I can think of even better one (and it did change from my original vision). One thing is certain, though: It won't change because it's too depressing.

What's really depressing is that an editor would ask a writer to do something like that.