Truff Enuff

 The word came down from on high. A reputable source. An amateur chef and hot sauce lover. He had found a new hot sauce that he thought I should try. It was Truff. A hot sauce with a black truffle base. The only problem? It could be found at the local Safeway.

Safeway. It's not my most favorite spot on the planet. The Eureka market has a gaggle of customers that tend to irritate the shit out of me. From the snotty white folks to the growers from Bulgaria to the tweakers. A few weeks ago I was there when a lady, acting all L.A. gang, threatened to kill everyone. It was seven a.m. and far too early for a mass shooting. I would brave the customers in order to obtain this hot sauce, though, which actually took me over a month to acquire.

Every time I went to the store, I was focused laser-like on getting what I needed and then getting the fuck out with little conversation in between. Hence, I always forgot that I wanted the hot sauce until I got home or until the guy who recommended it to me asked if I had bought it yet. It doesn't help that I have nearly 100 bottles of various sauces. Adding one more to the mix would cause looks from the girlfriend. 

Truff, posed kind of erotically

The times I did remember it, I couldn't find it on the shelves. A week or so ago I broke down and asked a store employee, who looked like his favorite activities were vaping and watching video game streams, if he could help me find it. He assured me that the store carried no such item and never had. He was, as I'm sure he was used to being, wrong.

I found it and then I bought it, and all was well until I learned Oprah actually "likes" the white truffle version of it. I haven't tried the sauce yet, but now I'm filled with all kinds of dread. If Oprah likes it the brand, I'm sure I won't. I almost don't even want to try it. If it turns out I enjoy the flavor, what other Oprah-liked things am I wrong about? Would I somehow align with Oprah? I'm sure she's a fine woman, but nobody who knows me well would say our tastes are even close to similar.

I'll be trying the sauce soon. If I like it and suddenly I'm writing about vagina candles or books about middle-aged women discovering themselves in Greece, you'll know what happened to me. Pray for me.