The Crisis of Dwindling Returns (aka A Sidebar of Crazy)

Watching things spin slowly out of control around me has been fascinating the past few weeks.  Watching the movements, the words used, the nerves as they rot -- it has been an education.  This is especially true since this time I don't feel the whirlwind.  Is it a lack of compassion, or something deeper?


Deeper. 


I've been focused (laser-like, if it must be known) and what I want out of my life so much so that I have been less inclined to take on the burdens of the world (something I've been accused of doing far too much in the past).  It has been a mixed bag, so far, but when it comes to things like work and life it has been transformational.  With this focus comes clarity.  With this clarity comes plans.  When I told Mirror I was slowly isolating myself from the majority of the world, but had yet to figured out a thorough way to do it, many ideas had come to mind.  I, of course, won't isolate myself from my true friends. 


I am weeding out the stress killers.  I am negating the insanity.  I am taking every step with a clear goal in mind.  It is almost a Biblical moment. 


For too long I have listened to others.  I have heard there words and often taken them to heart.  I have let that influence me in ways that are as profound as they are disturbing.  I realize that much of what was my unhappiness stemmed from listening to others give their two cents on what they thought I should be doing.  And not that I always believed them (rarely was that the case), but the fact that I even gave took in the words instead of just stopping them before they reached the door so to speak had an effect on me.


No more.  And that is beautiful.


I wake up.  Put on the music.  Shower.  Write.  Serve my time.  Write some more.  Every step an inch closer to what I want.  A time line.  A path.  Not to be deterred.  Not to be sidetracked.  Not to be made to feel alien in my ways.  I have spent a year listening to people tell me their thoughts on me that it was starting to get very easy to lose myself to that.


Now I just don't care.  It is not a callous thing.  It is not an attack on anyone or anything.  It is just my way of saying, "Trespassers beware."


I love new journeys into lands unknown.