Keyword Search Fun Time Again!

Every so often I check out the search terms that bring people to this blog.  As always, it is as fascinating as it is terrifying.  This time is no different.  Pedophiles, lone wolf rejects, armchair Nazis -- they flock to this site looking for companionship, masturbation material, and blueprints for mass destruction.  I hope these lonely souls find exactly what they are looking for, and it fills me with warmth knowing I may have made their lives a little better.  Gag.  Here we go ...

Ponygirl: The ponygirl searches continue.  Sex Pony Teen.  Film Japanese Ponygirl. (Not sure if they want a film about a Japanese ponygirl or want to find out how to film one.  I say get a saddle and a bridle, hop in the car and find yourself an Asian prostitute.  Don't forget the camera.) Human Ponygirl Cart.  (I love the fact that these folks not only want to find ponygirls, but also accessories.)  Poney Sexo Homan.  (Proof aliens are looking for ponygirls.)  Pony Fuck Human.  Pony Girl Fucked.  Pony Girl Meeting.  (I think they meet at Eureka's Chapala restaurant once a month or so.) Pony Swastika.  (I was conflicted about which section to put this under.) Sexshop Ponygirl.  To Be Ateenage Pony Girl.  (Let the mind wonder.)

Humboldt: Humboldt County Sex Pussy.  (Because who wants a Humboldt County non-sex pussy?  What would you do with it?  A change purse?  Hand warmers?  I'm clueless.)  Big Time Rush Bayshore Mall.  (Really?  Did someone actually think the most dreamy boy band and Jerry Sandusky wet dream, BTR, would be at the Bayshore Mall?  What would they be doing there?  Eating at that greasy "Chinese" restaurant?  Checking out the cell phone accessories at that kiosk worked at by the woman with that highly erotic foreign accent?) Eureka, CA And Drugs.  (If you are looking for that here, you are doing it wrong.  Here's how you find drugs in Eureka.  Head into Eureka.  Throw a rock.  That person you hit?  Drugs.)  Humboldt Girl Fucking.  (Because who wants a Humboldt County girl who doesn't fuck?  What would you do with it?  A change purse?  Hand warmers?  I'm clueless.  That's funny for those who are paying attention.)  Tree Maps Humboldt County, CA.  (This isn't weird, but it makes me happy that someone looking for that ended up here.  I can only imagine the reaction.)

What The Fuck Are You Thinking?:  This is proof that not everyone knows how to use a search engine.  Yes, sometimes vague is fine, but other times you really have to be more specific.  PG&E Gate Combination Lock.  (What gate?  Where?  Man, if you are looking to break in, you have to give a location.)  Art That Sends A Message.  (Could you be any vaguer?  How about "Art Stuff That Stuff Stuff"?)  Doorbusters.  (If you looked for that with the idea of finding sales and ended up on my site, you deserve that uneasy feeling you got in the pit of your stomach.)  Eye Tattoos.  (Tattooed eyes, or tattoos of eyes?)  I'm Not In A Good Mod.  (And you can't spell.  Why on Earth would someone look this up?  Did you think you would find out why you weren't in a good "mod."  I have the answer for you.  You realized you're a fucking idiot.)  Ironic Shocked Face.  (I'm trying to picture what that would look like.  I'd Google it, but I'd end up here.  Surreal.)  Mind Bordering Picture.  (Umm ... what?)  Outside Hallmark Store In The Mall.  (What mall?  Where?  Were you looking for Big Time Rush?)  Pussy At The Center Of The Universe.  (Yes, vaginas are great things.  They're fun to play around with, and according to what I wrote earlier, they make good change purses and hand warmers.  But at the center of the universe?  Come on.  Are they really that important?  Oh, who am I kidding?  Of course they are.  I just wonder's whose magical man trap was found there.  My guess?  Octomom's.  She gave birth to a universe of children.)  Thank God Its Doomsday.  (It's not doomsday yet, moron.  You got another year to go.  Sorry to disappoint, but there is always the suicide option ... which you should look into.)

Creepy Folks Looking For Creepy Things: "Parents Are The Worst Thing To Happen To Children." (Based on what I know, yes they are.)  I Love Nightmares.  "I Love Having Nightmares."  (I think this is the same person.)  About Love Nightmares].  (Yes.]  Amerikan Modal Girl.  (I love Amerikan Modal Girls!)  Fondel To Erect Horses Penis.  (I think this person means "fondle."  I also think they were looking for tips.  If a horse penis works like any other penis, all you have to do is touch it, my friend.  They kind of erect themselves.) Ghost Face Blood Images 1600.  Innocents Bound.  (Peter Sotos has stopped by!)  Mickey Mouse Art Crucifx.  (For the new Bible-themed Disney ride.)  Sharon Tate Dead Body.  (Now I know why the investigation was reopened.)

Nazis:  Everyone loves to hate these snappy dressers, but that doesn't stop people from looking for them.  Nazi Slut.  (Oh, you wouldn't be calling her that if she were Rommel.)  Child Nazi. ("Looking for gift ideas for your Nazi Child?  From the makers of the Easy Bake Oven ..." I'm going to Hell for that one, but it really wrote itself, and you were thinking it anyway.)  Japanese Symbols Hate.  (Not quite Nazis, I know, but it didn't fit in any other category.)  Nazi Hello Kitty.  (It makes me see all that Hello Kitty stuff at Eureka's Target in a whole new light.)  Swastika Design For Mandir.  (Not sure on that one.)

Sex:  Bridge Masturbating.  (Soon to be an Olympic sport.)  Cartoon Face Girl Ballgag.  (I think that's in an old Disney cartoon.)  Caught Masturbating Under A Bridge.  (Is this a really common thing?)  Mature Mexican Asses Nude.  (Talk about a specialized porn search.  Why not add "on Tuesday"?)  Open Lips Of Shaved Pussy.  (I bet that didn't result in a lot of search results.)

Shirley Temple:  And finally, here is Shirley Temple.  I didn't even list all the searches for here name.  Here, however, are the best.  Shirley Temple Cannibal.  (This is my all-time favorite search subject.  The images it conjures up.  The sheer brilliance of it.  The idea that someone made this connection.  This is "art that means something.")  Shirley Temple Now Naked.  (Are you really sure you want to see that?)  Shirley Temple Slut.  (When I think "slut," Shirley Temple immediately comes to mind.)  Shirley Temple Teenage Naked.  (From the person looking for current nude pictures.  He's making a montage set to the Talking Heads' "Sugar On My Tongue.")  Shirley Temple Was A Slut.  (When he couldn't find current information on Temple's slut status, he delved into the past, eager to prove his theory.)  Shirley Temples Boobs.  ("She put the sugar on my tongue.")

And so it ends.  Another round of how people end up on my site when they look for fucked up things on the Internet.  You have to admire people's absolute willingness to type in the most insane things thinking nobody really knows what they are looking up.  Sublime.

Humboldt County -- Come for the Drugs; Stay in a Dungeon

There are a few Humboldt County blogs I follow on a casual basis.  About a week ago on one of them there was a posting about a girl who went missing in Southern Humboldt.  The Garberville area, if memory serves me correctly.  A picture of her was posted, and it gave me chills.

The area she was last seen.  Her blonde dreads.  It was eerily similar to a scene I wrote in my sex and violence manuscript. That's neither here nor there, though.

The girl had been missing over a week and calls to her cell phone went unanswered.  Myself and a few other posters mentioned the fact that Humboldt was not exactly the best place for a missing teen girl due to its dark underbelly ... one I find worse than any other place I've lived.  We all hoped the girl would be found safely.  Few of us believed she would.

And then we were taken to task.

Now, I can understand people wanting to keep hopes up.  I think that's natural.  Others did not feel that way.  We were called "negative" people who said "mean" things.  Those people who called us that wanted the father of the missing girl, who happened onto the blog at some point, to know that Humboldt was a safe place for a missing teen and she was probably sleeping on someone's porch or some such nonsense.  It should be noted that while "negative" is a meaningless term used to label someone who says anything that challenges one's point of view, nobody said anything that any reasonable person could call "mean."  That didn't stop these people, though.  They were very quick to offer what could only be false hope.  After all, they didn't know whether or not the girl would be found unharmed, but they were quick to promise she would be.  Myself and others merely stated that things tend to be grim in that situation.

The girl, incidentally, was found alive and presumably safe, though I didn't read why she was out of contact with her parents for so long, or why a young girl was up here from the Bay Area unescorted by an adult.  It didn't matter, though.  We were mean, negative naysayers who dared to muddy Humboldt's pristine reputation.

Humboldt does have its dark and weird side.  It's not all tie dye, pot and people who still pick up hitchhikers without the expectation of sex.  We've got bestiality, parents pimping out their children, murder-for-hire schemes on teen girls, drug houses like you would not believe, pony girl trainings in the woods, a ripe underground porn industry, serial killers, parents scoring dope with their kids, murdered hookers, alleyway inseminations of lesbians looking to have children, group sex parties in run-down motel rooms with heroin addicted local media stars.  Hardly the Disneyland many would like you to believe, but how does it differ from other places?  Well, that's easy -- it's ignored and in some cases accepted.

I've lived in other places where bad, strange things happen.  But they happen either so deeply underground that you never hear of them, or they are met with scorn and disgust and eradicated.  Here, people are either gleeful to turn a blind eye (to do anything else is to risk being called "mean"), or condone it openly or through silence.  It is kind of sick, and anyone who has had any dealings with it on any sort of level knows it is there and knows exactly what I am talking about.

I once heard a woman say that Eureka (and it could be said of Humboldt in general) was like a small town with big city crime.  I corrected her.  "It's like a small town with country crime."  Country crime is different.  It's weird.  It's off.  It's a previously used ball gag shoved into your mouth and a video camera mounted on a tripod as a German Shepherd is led into the room.

We weren't mean on that blog.  We were realists.  Some may have been a bit more dramatic than others, but we were realistic.  No parent wants his or her child to end up missing, and no sane parent would feel safer with their child being last seen in Humboldt.  If that's negative and mean, I'll cop to it.  But I flat out fucking refuse to be some wide-eyed lobotomy who thinks Humboldt is the epitome of the throwback commune where everyone is about peace and love, and strangers are fed without any evil agendas.  I've seen and heard too much to think that, and I have far too much common sense to believe that is even close to reality.  Sure, there are some people like that ... but wait until you see what they have hanging in the shed out back.